10 To Go

30 Weeks, 2 Days
Pumpkin, or Large Cabbage
It's hard to believe that the due date will be here in less than 10 weeks. Ten weeks to go, more or less, means that between two and three months from now, our little dude will be here. As Hubs says, "Sh** just got real." Only, it's been "real" for a while now. I get kicked, prodded, and poked. I sense the hiccups (night and day), and I can imagine what he is doing in there.


I am looking forward to the cuddle time, but it seems that rest is out the window. I'm already struggling with sleep. I feel like it's much too soon to be messing with my sleep. Unfortunately, I am dealing with the issues of waking up for no reason, tossing and turning, and having generally poor quality of sleep already. Once little man is here, it will be much, much worse (at least at first).


Still, I am excited about the prospect of meeting him. My belly is huge, and I can't imagine how he will manage to keep growing in the limited space I have left. I bet he finds a way!

Travels (and Travails) in the Third Trimester

Week 28
Winter Squash/Kabacha Squash/Large Eggplant


So I skipped a week (or three) - I was busy! I had to travel halfway across the country and back on interviews for next year's internship. I had an appointment yesterday, and my bump measured 27 weeks, so my delusions that I would have a 9-pounder may have, indeed, been delusions. The midwife says that because I've done this before, all my body supports are just done with it. Everything looks bigger. Everything feels bigger. So, I can relax. My to-do list includes the one hour glucose test (quite possibly the worst invention ever), and getting a Tdap vaccine to help protect baby even before he's born (it will be a while before he can get his own). The main focus, of course, is to vaccinate against pertussis, which can be a nuisance to me but deadly to him.


I also have more traveling to do. Among the numerous things I learned over the last couple of weeks, I discovered that:
(a) pregnancy is a "temporary disability" to most airlines and I can get authorization to pre-board.
(b) pregnancy is scary to most airlines and I will need a note once I'm in the third trimester (oh, right... NOW) or else they might not let me fly.
(c) I will be 32 weeks when I take my next flight, cross country.
(d) Pregnant women are more likely to get deep vein thrombosis (DVT) while flying, because of the cabin air pressure, sitting a long time, having large blood volume, and having lower blood pressure (though it starts to come back up a little in the third trimester).


I have learned that I personally need an aisle seat, preferably with the middle one open, so I can put all my junk that I want access to during flight, rather than keeping it under the seat. Also, I can get up and go pee whenever I want without asking someone to move. Oh, and also, I can stretch and bend my legs as needed to avoid DVT.


I had a DVT scare last week in the middle of the night. I awoke with SHOOTING pain down my left calf. I felt around for "hot spots" (which is a potential indicator of a clot), found nothing, massaged my leg for a bit, and then went back to sleep. Probably just a Charlie horse... probably.

No Rest for the Weary

25 Weeks, 1 day
Cauliflower, Rutabaga, or Bag of Flour (depending on the website)


I have had to travel a bit for work lately, and it won't slow down anytime soon. In the interim, I have had the worst sleep one might imagine. People say that later in pregnancy, baby is helping mom gear up for the frequent sleep-wake cycle of newborns. But that junk doesn't usually start until later in the third trimester. I am still (for a couple weeks) in the second trimester, and I'm supposed to be enjoying this time.


Don't get me wrong, I truly do enjoy the fun wiggles and jiggles of my squirmy-worm baby. I just prefer that they not be at 3am. And, being pregnant with a third kid while managing the lives of two other kids is not exactly a cake-walk in the first place. Thus, I am about as exhausted as I have ever been, despite this time supposedly being the "easiest" or the most relaxing part of pregnancy.

Discipline and Bonding

24 Weeks, 2 Days
Ear of Corn


Part of the fun of pregnancy is knowing that my young'un is moving and growing. These size estimates, however, are a little off (in my opinion). I think this one is bigger. My uterus should be the size of a soccer ball, and the top should be about an inch above my belly button. However, I am easily feeling movement 2 inches above my belly button, and I feel the space is shrinking really fast in there. Maybe it's because I'm short-statured, or because I have a short torso. Maybe my child is enormous. Who knows? I won't have another ultrasound (unless someone considers there to be a major reason to do so). I guess we'll see when I have my next midwife appointment.


My eldest has recently undergone a few disciplinary problems at school. I'm not sure what is happening, but we've realized that there seems to be about a 6-month cycle of limit-testing behavior. She is very well-behaved the rest of the time, but for a couple of weeks every 6 months or so, she goes through a phase of "bad choices." Lots of them. First, she punched another kid in the stomach because he wasn't listening to her on the playground. Likely, she was trying to dictate to him how he should play. Next, she broke another kid's newly-constructed Lego toy. Most recently, she disobeyed a teacher by locking a bathroom door after being explicitly told not to. She was supposed to test for her yellow belt at Taekwondo this week, but we decided she was not ready "on the inside." At the beginning of each class, the students recite a creed and 5 tenets, with very clear values about character-building, integrity, self-control, commitment to friendship, and a variety of other values that I can totally get on board with. Even though she knows her form and can do a very good job with the skills she has learned, we explained to her that she must be ready on the outside AND on the inside, by living the values expressed in the student's creed and 5 tenets. She was heartbroken, and it killed us to do it, but we couldn't just let it go.


We think this pattern of behavior is a developmentally appropriate thing, whereby she tests limits as she masters more skills and reaches higher levels of independence. She wants to know where the boundaries are. She wants to feel secure that, no matter what, the rules haven't suddenly changed on her. Nevertheless, it's hard on us parents to have to constantly be the "bad guys" and enforce disciplinary actions we really, really do not like to enforce. I'm the first to admit that sometimes I hope they make bad choices so I can remove a privilege I'm not really into that day anyway (e.g., going to the public swimming pool with them). However, skipping out on stuff that makes us insanely proud (e.g., yellow belt test) is an otherworldly experience devoid of satisfaction. The only positive thing I can say about it, is that the instructor totally backed us up and had, in fact, prevented his own two children from testing for a far less serious offense (not finishing their homework). So, there's that!


Lately, J and Hubs have been bonding more and more. They have found mutual joy in the game entitled "Plants vs. Zombies 2" (but little dude is overly obsessed with it, so I'm not thrilled about it). However, they have also found time to play tag (indoors, alas), have tickle fights, and lots of cuddle time. Little dude asks for his dad about as much as he asks for me, which is great! I have a mama's boy on my hands, and I'm happy to see that he acknowledges the existence of his other parent (at least every once in a while). This bonding is going to become especially important after T is born. I'm glad to see it in action, and I hope it continues!!

Things Strangers Do to Pregnant Women

23 Weeks, 4 Days
Mega-Mango
I have become a magnet for unwanted hands. I'm not sure where it is written in the societal norms protocol, that women who are pregnant should be touched by random strangers. It's as if we have forfeited our right to personal external space when we choose to share our internal space with a growing fetus. I have thought of some creative solutions to combat the unwanted touching. They include:

• Touching them back. Nothing says "awkward" like having your own belly rubbed by a pregnant woman, after you've rubbed hers without asking.
• Acting as if their touch is like acid. "OH! It burns! It BURNS! Why would you do that?" Commence the "what a world" speech of the Wicked Witch of the West from the 1939 classic, The Wizard of Oz.
• Slapping their hands. This is obviously the more aggressive response. It's important to say, "No!" in a firm voice, much in the way you might say to a puppy that has just micturated on your rug.
• Act like it turns you on. Only the bravest of souls can pull this one off. Maybe purr a little. Say, "Ooooh, don't stop. I like it."
• Go on a rant. Like, at least 25 minutes long. It must include several references to the dystopian world we must live in, where women's bodies are not their own as CLEARLY evidenced by a stranger's willingness to just spontaneously caress the abdomen of a woman completely without solicitation. Make sure it's loud. And public. Maybe stand on an actual soap box, if you can find one that isn't made of cardboard.

Of course, there are always the things that people say. Very inappropriate things. It's hard because, on the one hand, nobody wants to insult someone by asking if they are pregnant and risking the possibility that they aren't. However, it's a very different insult when people act surprised that you are pregnant. When you are so. Obviously. Showing. Sometimes, however, people are gutsy and ask away. Other people just play games.

• "Oh, I didn't know you were pregnant." This is a total cop-out. They were just afraid to ask if you were and waited until they could "overhear" you telling someone else your due-date.
• "So, ARE you pregnant?" No, I just let myself go. Of course I am! I can't fault people for asking, but sometimes the tone or the way in which they ask just reeks of incredulity. I think maybe they are hoping I would say that I was just overweight and confirm their initial thoughts. Oh, you mean you're pregnant, not just fat? I see. Well, guess I owe Jim-Bob some money.
• "Gosh, how many are IN there?" The implication here is that I am huge. Well, 3rd kid and a belly that has been there before. What do you want? Elasticity isn't permanent. How many times can you stretch a rubber band before it's just like, "Yeah, we're not going to go back to that 'new rubber band' smallness."
• "Oh, you're only 23 weeks?" Yet another implication of hugeness. To be fair, my midwife says I'm doing a bang-up job in controlling my weight gain. Also, to be fair, this one is riding deep. He likes to hang out around my spine. So I'm not that big. Really and truly. Nevertheless, the latter part of the previous point still applies: 3rd kid, well-rehearsed belly.
• "Gross, you have stretch marks already?" Well, these are old ones, from my second pregnancy. I miraculously made it through the first without any, but the beast that came next made his mark. It's still a little early for new stretch marks. And you know what? Stop looking at my belly. You're creeping me out.
• "When is your due date again?" This is a more covert way of asking why are you STILL pregnant. Most people have a tendency to forget how long a human gestation lasts. They think it should be over about the month after they find out you are pregnant. Of course, there are people who ask another way....
• "You STILL haven't had that baby yet?" Well, no, he's not ripe enough to come out yet. We kind of have to wait until his lungs develop and stuff. Calm down. It's not like you're carrying. Please don't act like my pregnancy is an inconvenience to your life.
• "But you had the perfect family before!" This is a huge insult, basically casting judgment on what type of family is "perfect" and why mine now won't be because we're adding another kid to the mix. If I were concerned about zero-point population replacement, we would have stopped with the two that would replace us. But, we didn't. So.... obviously that was not heavily weighed in our decision to grow our family.
• "I can't believe you would go through that again." Sometimes this comes from women who have had horrible birth experiences. Birth trauma, perhaps. I understand they can't wrap their minds around it just now. But sometimes, it comes from non-moms (women who haven't given birth, or men who aren't dads and/or who just can't deal with childbirth). So, your hang-ups about this miraculous wonder of pregnancy and birth haven't actually gone through my mind in a decade or so. At one point I was terrified of pregnancy and birth. But oh, the miracle! Oh, the mystery! Oh, the amazing grief and joy and pain and heroic triumph of bringing a new life into the world! There is absolutely no experience like it, and your lack of perspective on it doesn't really make you the authority on how all people feel about it.
• "Now you're going to be outnumbered." Yes, we've considered that. In fact, this one is probably the only thing that actually registers in my brain. My children are so, so smart. One day, they will learn to work together (rather than fight like cats and dogs). When they do, we are in trouble. There will be three of them. Assuming the third is as smart as his siblings, we could potentially have the beginnings of world domination in our offspring. We're just banking on the fact that we are older and wiser and can maybe catch on to their shenanigans before they do anything crazy or irreversible.

Bottom line, people do some crazy stuff around pregnant women. They let their guard down, let their thought filter go on standby, forget that we just don't reach out and touch strangers, and more. Not to mention all the unsolicited advice you get!! That will be saved for another blog. When you're pregnant, there's a lot more to this ride than just the stuff your body is going through. There's all the stuff that people around you are doing that makes it all the more.... interesting.

The Eggplant

23 Weeks
Small Eggplant (22-24 weeks), or Large Mango
I missed last week. Not because I was forgetful, but because I was busy. No matter. Baby's size hit "eggplant" last week (though maybe this is a puny eggplant), and is about the same for this and the next. Somewhere around 1-1.5 pounds, this little dude is kicking up a storm. Had a Level 2 Ultrasound last week, which included a fetal echocardiogram (EKG). Because the firstborn had a ventricular septal defect prior to birth, they wanted to check to be sure this little ticker was ticking properly. No worries. 150bpm at the last midwife appointment three days ago. He's doing great. He had the hiccups during the entire EKG appointment, which made it fun for the docs to try and get a good image. However, they felt pretty confident that 90% of possible heart defects were ruled out. The other 10% cannot be diagnosed in utero (things like the hole in the top of the heart, which is present in utero, failing to close upon birth). I'm feeling pretty good, but noticing that my lower back is starting to ache. Gotta carry this little dude around for about 17 more weeks (maybe less). He's only going to get bigger. And wigglier.

We Jammin'

21 Weeks, 1 Day
Cantaloupe
Today, we had a work-related picnic to attend. Hubs couldn't make it, so it was just the offspring and me. We had a marvelous time, and the kids didn't want to leave. Even after J-bird jammed his finger on the basketball court. I didn't think much of it, but knew it was bad when he kept complaining later on. By evening, it had swollen big and fat. So, I gave him a popsicle. Then, I washed the stick, cut it in half, trimmed the sharp edges down, and put it between his hurt finger and the next one over. Taped them together, gave him ibuprofen, and he seems fine. Tried to ice it, but we had no clean baby washcloths, and the others were too thick for the ice to penetrate. The hard part was getting him to STOP. SUCKING. ON THE SPLINT. I padded it with a cotton round cleansing pad, so bits of the fluff were stuck to his mouth. Seriously, son. You are three years old. Knock it off!

Post-jam finger splint. No big deal.

Belly is doing fine. Rocked some new clothes, courtesy of my mother-in-law. Felt pretty good today - so much so, that we cleaned up leaves in the back yard (after I did the front yard yesterday). Only now, my lower back and bottom are pretty sore. I think I need to put my feet up!

Halfway There

20 Weeks
Mango
Today is the first day they start measuring my fruit-baby from crown to heel, rather than from crown to rump. He is now about 10 inches long and weighs about 10.5 oz. However, at the ultrasound in week 18, they estimated he already weighed 10 oz. So, I may have an oinker. I neglected to show you our son, Jack Skellington, so he is pictured below:

"Blueberry" at 18w3d

I rotated the image so he could show you his "Whazzup" face, which looks pretty scary and awesome. I feel him wiggling all the time now, but only from the inside. I put my hands on the outside and can't feel anything but my heartbeat in my fingertips. Mama blood is powerful. I am a bit worried he will be a super-anxious kid, given all the stress I am under these days. Either that, or maybe he will be the most mellow kid because he needed to counteract all the cortisol his mother is kicking out. Hoping for the latter. Regardless, we're halfway to meeting him!

October 15th

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. According to the official site, the entire month of October was designated as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. There are so many organizations out there to help out these days with loss of infants and pregnancy: First Candle, Pilari, and the T.E.A.R.S. Foundation, to name a few. But in 1988, there wasn't much. People hurt in silence. As a friend said to me, the hurt will be there forever and ever. But we can heal by moving forward. Into the future, and into life. We honor our children today. We honor the memories of those who are not with us by celebrating the ones who are, or by crying, or by lighting a candle, or by sharing our stories.

*      *      *      *      *

19 Weeks, 4 Days
Grapefruit

I feel my son squirming. Now is pretty much the halfway point, though most people would just say 20 weeks is. I'll probably post something to that effect in a couple days. Probably in the next week, the Hubs will be able to feel the squirming, too. I haven't gotten around to digitizing the pictures from last week's ultrasound, but suffice it to say, our child looks like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Good thing we like that movie! As I remember my child who did not join us in August, but who passed away in January, I am struck by the feeling that I am still blessed. I feel my son move again. He's getting comfortable. He still has a long way to go before he joins us. And I am not going to rush him.

Wow, your belly just popped!

18 Weeks
Dragon Fruit (or, if you are boring, Sweet Potato)
My exotic little dude is kicking a lot more now. I can't quite make out a pattern to it yet, so kick-counting might not happen for another week or two. The fantastic news is, I will get to see him on ultrasound in just a few days!!! Pics will be posted. No worries. Everyone loves ultrasound pics, right? Right??


My workouts have had to adjust. I'm now to the point where my center of gravity is shifting up and forward, so I can't dart all over the place in multiple directions. I also can't be on my back anymore (so no more bicycle kicks). Sad as it may seem, someone who was working out near me asked me why I wasn't showing yet (at 16w, 5d). Someone who was with the asker (who also happened to be a family medicine doc) replied, "Oh, she shouldn't be showing yet." How little he knew! Even as a health care provider, he evidently didn't know that there's a wide range of when the "bump" appears. I'm short in stature and have had two kids before, so there's really no surprise that I had a little "beer gut" by then.


However, in the past few days, I have noticed a rapid progression to roundness. I lamented to some colleagues at the gym that I might need to start bringing a beach towel instead of a regular bath towel for my post-workout showers. The bath towel doesn't quite cover all the naked real estate anymore. It sort of happened suddenly, which is just as I remember it before. Moving toward the fifth month of pregnancy, it's about time he decided to get large! Right now, Blueberry (the size of a dragon fruit) is about 5.6 inches long (from the top of his head to his little bum) and weighs about 6.7 ounces. I switched to my maternity ACU this week as well. I couldn't button the trousers anymore, so... here we are, elastic.


I have decided, however, that my next mission will be to redesign the maternity uniforms. One major flaw in all of them (dress uniforms or no) is that they are almost entirely devoid of pockets. I dreaded switching over to the maternity gear, not because I was ashamed of my growing midsection, but because I didn't want to be without pockets. Where will I keep my keys, wallet, lip balm, cell phone, ID badge, and all the other junk I carry around? I certainly can't use a PURSE. Obviously, whoever designed the maternity uniforms (a) is a man, (b) has never had children, (c) lacks practical thinking, or (d) all of the above.

BRUNCH - because, why not?

17 weeks, 2 days
Navel Orange
I'm feeling great. Every so often, I can sense a little wiggle, which means Blueberry (who is now the size of a navel orange - not to be confused with a Naval orange like those on a ship - ha!) is getting bigger all the time. Had my 16-week checkup last week, and the heart rate has gone down by a lot - to 146 bpm. Still well within the normal range for fetal heart rate. I measure where I should, with the top of my uterus just about 2-3 inches below my belly button. At 20 weeks, it should be right at my belly button.


Now that I'm cruising well into the second trimester, I feel like my fatigue is starting to wane. I say starting to, because I am at the busiest time of my year - working on about three different things at one time and trying to stay sane. As either a way to stay sane, or as a way to just add something to my schedule (because I apparently needed to do that), we're having some friends over for brunch today. I love brunch. It's like a free-for-all carb-fest, with some eggs and other stuff. Pretty much anything is possible. And one of my friends is bringing some apple muffins, made from the apples picked at a farm near us. Mmmmm....


Time to make my house smell of deliciousness!

Sweet Sixteen

16 Weeks
Avocado
I'm getting my "swole" on. Today, I am starting to look more like that evening picture from a couple posts ago. Fair enough.... because my little dude is 3 1/2 ounces and 4 1/2 inches long from crown to rump. I haven't felt another twinge since that first time, which makes me think that first time was a false alarm. Bummer. But, as an experienced mama, I should be able to feel some squirms soon. Part of how soon that will happen depends on exactly where within my uterus the little squirt has dug in. Because the uterus has no nerve endings for feeling, and neither do the small intestines that are also hanging out in the neighborhood, the only way a mama can feel her baby is if the little guy or gal kicks to the front (and the belly nerves can catch it) or in the bottom (so the bladder, vagina, anus, or other areas of the pelvic region can catch it). This explains why some have described those "flutters" as gas, feeling like they need to pee, or other fun things. Since my "works" are all tilted to the rear, my best chance of feeling movement this early is on those downward kicks. And that, of course, is if Blueberry is down low. Right now, I know he's skinny and covered in hair (called lanugo). I also know the top of my uterus is about 3 inches below my belly button. And is going to get bigger and bigger!


Time to break out more maternity clothes.

Physical Exhaustion and the Easily-Spooked Appetite

15 Weeks, 1 Day
Pear

I'm feeling a little better in terms of rest. Got my first prenatal massage yesterday and opted for another in two weeks. It's a little weird to lie on your side the entire time and cuddle with a body pillow, but apparently that's what the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends (or so it stated on the consent form). I could stand a few more hours of sleep each night, and the muscle tension isn't too bad. Had a small bout of sciatica, but it seems to be very mild.

My appetite seems to be creeping back toward normal. I go through more predictable cycles of hunger these days. I haven't had too much trouble incorporating things back into my diet that I was just not "feeling" before. However, the amount of food I can consume at any given time is still fairly small. We ate cheeseburgers for dinner (homemade, mostly). They were tiny, so I thought I could also eat some raw veggies and a handful (maybe 8) tater tots. I was wrong. I managed to get the burger and tots down, but only a few veggies. Probably should have eaten them first. Oh, well!

But even though I just said I wasn't as sleepy as I used to be, it is now just before 10pm, and I'm struggling to type. Just going to listen to my baby body now. Time to sleep! Maybe my other babies won't decide it's a good idea to get up and demand pancakes at 6:30am (like one of them did today)!

Why Pregnant Women Change Clothes So Much

Without fail, I will go through a wardrobe change at least twice in a day. Part of it is because I am taking off a uniform and putting on "real people" clothes. Sometimes, however, it's because I just need more space.


The following two photos were both taken on the same day, at 14 weeks, 4 days.

The first is from the morning, and the second is from the afternoon. No, I am not deliberately pushing my belly out. I am actually trying to "suck in" - which is why the bottom looks so pronounced, I guess.

This is REALLY what it's like to deal with bloating and junk. And why it's really frustrating to wear clothes that fit one minute and don't the next. Or, to be asked if you are twice as far along as you actually are.


Ladies, if you want to look small for your "bump" pictures, take them in the morning. If you are just too excited about that baby belly and want it to appear larger, take your pictures in the afternoon or evening. Or, if you are forgetful and neglect taking regular pictures of your growing belly (in the event this is something you want to document), just take some morning and night and tell people the night picture is actually a later week. It'll totally work.

The First 100 Days of Pregnancy

This journey is one for which I hope to keep a more accurate log, as it is happening. In the moments I began writing this, I had not yet told anyone about this pregnancy. So, this post was written in draft mode. By the time you read it, I will have made my announcement (so it comes as no surprise to my closest folks). I've put how I was feeling and what was going on at each stage, as well as a size guide to know how big baby was at the time of the post. Hang in there.... it's a LONG one!

Day 25
Something is up. I feel suspicious that I might be pregnant. Yes, it's early. But my boobs hurt. More than just the twinge I feel sometimes before my period. Hubs says he is certain that he "put a baby in there." I am wondering if it's just wishful thinking. I mean, this is the first time we've really tried. If it worked, this baby was conceived in Cape Cod!!!

Day 31 (4 weeks, 3 days)
Poppy Seed
Period is three days late. Time to pee.... and it didn't even take the two minutes. Definitely yes. This alone makes me sigh in some relief. The last pregnancy had only a very faint positive, which made me think my hormones were pretty low, even then. Not so at this point. Pretty dang BOLD second line. The timing seems weird, that I could only have been pregnant actually for two weeks so far, but they count it from the last period. So, even though my baby is only about two weeks old (and technically just an embryo), the calculation for my pregnancy is 4 weeks, 3 days.

Day 39 (5 weeks, 4 days)
Sesame Seed
Went to the lab to get an "official" test so that I can make an appointment. They won't get back to me, ever. So I ended up having to call and be like, "Hellooooo." I am leaning toward going back to the midwives, even this early. So, I called the midwives instead of reaching out to my family practitioners. The really great news is, they'll see me a LOT sooner than I would have been seen in Family Medicine. This is great news because I want to have the earliest possible contact with a provider. Maybe get to see the little tadpole. Waiting until 11 weeks for a first appointment would be brutal. I'll go back to family practice docs after the birth, for all my well-baby checkups.

Day 42 (6 weeks)
Grain of Rice
Fatigue has set in. I feel sleepy in the middle of the day. The middle of the day is like my peak performance time, so this is definitely out of my norm. I'm also struggling to stay asleep later, which is also not my usual thing. My usual thing is to stay up too late and sleep too late. Now, I want to go to bed at like 9:30 and sleep until 7:15!!

Day 47 (6 weeks, 5 days)
Been feeling "blah" for a couple of days. Not exactly nauseated, but that sort of uneasy feeling in my tummy that potentially signifies future nausea. Food, in general, seems unappealing to me. Nevertheless, I have gained 2 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. I am feeling nervous today because I was in my 6th week when my last baby stopped developing. Six to go until I feel "safe" enough to share the news.

Day 49 (7 weeks)
Blueberry
Today was the first day I needed to munch some ginger because I felt a wave of nausea plaguing me. I bought a jar of sushi ginger. It's great. Like a magic pill. Made a mental note to buy Cheerios to place next to my bed, as it has worked before. Just a handful!

Day 52 (7 weeks, 3 days)
I decided to figure out when my trimesters would be. I know, I know. But I went to this online calculator and found out that I'll be at my second trimester on August 22 and my third on December 4, but this is according to baby's development. If calculating by gestation, it shifts to the right. If calculating by conception date, it goes to the right even more (by like, a LOT for the second trimester - September 10, December 7). This website also calculates the due date. For a single baby, it would be March 5 or 6. For twins, it is February 12. For triplets, it is January 15. For quads, it is January 8. That just goes to show you that the more babies you have, the tighter it gets in there in a hurry. So those babies might show up earlier than you might think! If there's more than one, that is.

Day 54 (7 weeks, 5 days)
Went in for my "OB Intake" which included a dating scan to determine correct estimated due date (EDD). Baby measured 7 weeks, 6 days so they didn't change my due date (they would do so if it were 5+ days off). Although the doctor could not hear the baby's heartbeat, she was able to observe it on the screen and said it was normal. She only showed me the screen when she had it frozen to print a picture, so I didn't get to see it. After last time, I feel relieved to know the little heart is beating. But, I would have felt much better if I had heard/seen it myself.

Blueberry, 7w6d

So we call it "Blueberry" because that is about the size. The little white bean-shaped thing inside the black oval in the bottom right is Blueberry.

Day 59 (8 weeks, 3 days)
Raspberry
I have to put on my "fancy" uniform on Friday. I'm a little worried about it because I've noticed my clothes fit more snugly right now. Those fancy uniforms are rather unforgiving. I will be able to continue to wear my "pajamas" (the ACU) easily for another couple of months before I feel the need to move into a maternity uniform. However, I won't have that luxury in my fancies (the ASU). Even though Blueberry is about...raspberry-sized (edging into grape territory), my uterus is the size of a grapefruit, and I'm a bit "bloaty." It might be time to place an order. This is distressing for me because I never had to purchase a maternity uniform when pregnant with my other two. We pretty much always wore the pajamas, and they loan you maternity pajamas without a problem. They do not, however, loan maternity fancies. And most military clothing sales stores (MCSS) do not have them on-hand. Something tells me it's not going to be like Amazon Prime. It might take a while. Best to not wait.

9 Weeks
Grape
My guts are getting pushed up by my uterus, but the good news is, I don't have to pee as much because things are starting to grow up more, and not push down as much. Of course, as Blueberry gets bigger (already grape-sized now), and heavier, that pushing down will happen again. I'll be rushing off to pee a lot more once again. But for now, I'll take a break from that and just try to ignore my "beer gut." Things really do happen a lot faster when you've done it before.

10 Weeks
Date
I decided to stop doing the days because it's getting ridiculous now. Supposedly, 10 weeks is the peak of morning sickness. At least, according to online resources I keep getting. But I'm not getting sick. Like, at all. I almost did today when I got a little overheated on the Metro in my fancy uniform, en route to a convention where I had to present a poster. But, I didn't barf. I'm a little nervous because, after the miscarriage, I am worried about the wellbeing of Blueberry (who is grape-size now). I should relax and enjoy the fact that I'm just having food aversions and losing weight (about 4 pounds so far). I never got super sick before, but I definitely tossed it at least a few times. I'll just do my best to chill. I have an appointment on Tuesday. I need that heartbeat.

10 Weeks, 4 Days
Had my first midwife appointment today. She was great, and let me own my crazy by doing the whole appointment in reverse order. She started with the ultrasound. Turns out, my uterus is tilted WAY back, which meant that she had to use the vaginal probe for the ultrasound. Blueberry's heart rate was 174 bpm, which is outstanding. She took an image, but it's a teeny baby (who actually looks like a baby now, even if so small) with a mega huge EKG printout. So, not worth posting. I do feel much better about things. I never cramped or anything before the miscarriage; all I had was that "feeling" that something was wrong. The good news, no cramping. The better news, nothing is wrong.

10 Weeks, 5 Days
Fig (by the end of the week)
Today was my due date for my angel baby. I am pretty sure I would not be able to get through today, if not for the fact that I am carrying another. I still find it hard to think about, but I'm so glad that we didn't give up. We wanted another kid, and just because it didn't work out before, doesn't mean we should call it quits. I'm feeling rather peaceful today.

12 Weeks
Plum
It has finally come. I ordered my "fancy" uniform, the ASU, which was much too large (at least the tunic was), but the pants have been altered and I picked them up today. But that's not what I'm talking about. The 12th week milestone has finally come. I feel really good about that. Still feeling food averse, but getting a little better. The worst part now is the bloating. It's not just a feeling of being fat. I mean, my stomach is poking out up top, well above where my uterus is, because all my guts are up in there I think. I tend to feel less nauseated when I poke it out big time. Which, of course, makes me look goofy because c'mon - I'm 12 weeks, not 22 weeks! Nevertheless, the maternity uniform couldn't come at a better time. I will start my clinical training at a site where I need to wear my "fancies" all the time. They are SO not forgiving, like the ACU. I'll still be able to wear my ACUs for another several weeks, I think. Most people know the news now. I waited until after my midwife appointment to share with several of them, just because I wanted the confirmation that everything was okay first.

12 Weeks, 3 Days
So, because I am "old" and will be 35 before this baby gets here, I had to have chromosomal screening for trisomy 13, 18, and 21 (the three most common chromosomal abnormalities). I got the results today and was surprised to learn (though, in hindsight, I really shouldn't be because it's a chromosomal determination as well) that they can also tell the baby's sex from this blood test. Now, I was originally pretty adamant about not wanting to find out, but Hubs was really wanting to know. In thinking about it further, I was just happy to know we had a healthy baby on the way and didn't really care about the sex, so I thought maybe this is no reason to deny him. Only, I had opted out of the gender screen at the time I did this blood test two weeks ago. When I got the email from my provider, I was kind of surprised to learn that she had the gender information. Turns out, she had pressed the wrong button when ordering labs and got the whole shebang after all. So.... I decided to have her call me with the news. Now, Hubs had been pretty certain it was a girl. He was two-for-two so far in predicting, and so far we'd both been on the same page. This time, I was getting NO girl "feelings" at all, and only vague sort of impressions of boyness. So, I guess I really wasn't too sure. My children both were certain it was going to be a boy, even though my daughter wants a sister. Turns out, the streak is broken. Daddy was wrong, and the kids were right. We're having a little dude! Oh, and we're low risk for any abnormality. The risk goes up as we age, but I've only got a 1/192 shot, according to this website anyway. If it were positive, it would not mean there was definitely some abnormality (because these tests get a 5% false-positive hit rate). It would signify that further testing should be done (the more invasive kind, probably). Regardless, the blood test looked good.

12 Weeks, 5 Days
Disaster! Not with my baby....with my firstborn! Can one imagine finding out her child has suffered a skull fracture without experiencing cold sweats, chills, heart palpitations, and other danger signs? She is going to be fine. Read my other post about it for details. That is more than enough excitement for our family!

13 Weeks
Kiwi
There is some debate as to whether this is the beginning of the second trimester, or if it is next week. I'm going to go with next week just because there seems to be a general consensus in the medical community that Week 14 is the beginning of the second trimester. I'm just excited that, before the end of next week, Blueberry will clear one ounce in body weight, which will make me feel slightly less guilty about my own fluctuations.

13 Weeks, 1 Day
Revealed the gender to my family today. And the name! All were pleased. In a surprising turn of events, daughter switched her guess to girl and was a bit upset that she was wrong. However, all's well. At the end of the day, she was happy. Her nighttime routine includes kissing and tickling my belly, saying, "Tickle, tickle, Baby!" Now, she has replaced "Baby" with his name, and the cuteness is swoon-worthy.

13 Weeks, 4 Days (Day 95)
In a slight panic because I realize that I will be publishing this post soon. Have I forgotten to tell anyone? I'm worried that I may publish this too soon. Maybe I should extend it to 120 days. Or maybe I'm being paranoid because my next appointment isn't for another three weeks. I'm finding myself in the place where I wish I were farther along and simultaneously wish I could hold onto these moments forever. We know which of the wishes will win out in the end... and I will blink and suddenly be a mom again. Time, she flies.

14 Weeks (Day 98)
Peach
Welcome to the second trimester! I thought (and it may have been my imagination, but I've felt this before, and)....I really, really thought I felt a teeny "bump" going on inside today. It was about the right time of day to feel movement. After I ate, had been moving around, and had just settled down on the couch for a moment's rest. When... "Bump!" It was only once. And little Blueberry (who is now the size of a peach from crown to rump) is still a little too small for me to feel consistently yet. However.... I'm pretty sure I felt one little bump from the inside. In two days this blog goes live. I'm both excited and nervous. Either way, Let's do this!

14 Weeks, 2 Days (Day 100)
The first one hundred days of pregnancy are done. So I guess that means, like, 180 days to go or something. If I did the math correctly, that is (40 weeks x 7 days each). By the end of this week, Blueberry will be the size of a pear, weigh in at 2.47 ounces, and measure 3.98 inches from crown to rump. He's going to start growing faster and faster, gaining about an ounce or more a week. By week 20 (halfway), he'll be 10-and-a-half ounces, and be about the size of a mango. I feel pretty good. Still having mild food aversions, but really no nausea. I am resting a little better at night, and feeling not so terribly exhausted. Starting to move into the fun part of pregnancy. I hope to feel (more) movement soon! And I hope to post more soon!

Crisis Averted....Maybe

My firstborn is not much of the adventurous type. And yet.... last week she took a swan dive off the second-floor balcony of a Dutch-style garage at her grandparents house. She landed ON their driveway.


We aren't exactly sure how it happened. My mother had just brought the kids home from a day of errands and adventures. It was about 4:45, and my dad had just gotten home from work. He was "tasked" to watch the kids as they played outdoors. My son is a sweaty little dude and it was hot, so my dad decided to get them some water. My eldest had just started walking up the exterior stairs when my father told her to "Get down from there" before he headed inside. While inside, he grabbed their water and some stale bread to feed the turtles in the pond beside their house.


He was gone for maybe one minute.


In the span of sixty seconds, my child climbed the stairs, leaned against the railing, broke said railing, and went flying between the top rail and the balcony platform, FOURTEEN FEET to the concrete driveway below.


My father didn't see the fall. He saw my daughter getting herself up off the ground, crying, bloody mouth and nose. My son protested that he saw her fall and was a bit freaked out about the blood. He was given a popsicle and escorted indoors and was henceforth oblivious to all that followed. My daughter carried herself indoors of her own volition. She had wet her pants at some point during this fall or immediately after, and she changed her clothes. All was thought to be well because my dad thought she fell while running on the ground. But she told him, "No, I was up there," and pointed to their garage. Then, he saw the broken railing. Then, she wanted to go to sleep - a sure sign of a concussion. So, after some consultation with nurse-friends and us (the parents), they called 9-1-1.


Paramedics arrived and began doing some cognitive awareness testing. They asked her name, age, birthday, and the like. My daughter turned to my mother and said, "Nana, will you answer their questions so I don't have to?" She was still sassy! She protested when they made her get on the backboard with a neck brace. My dad convinced her it was a princess crown you could wear on your neck. How that logic worked, I'll never know. I guess you have to be six years old to get it.


My mom rode in the ambulance with her. They had to keep her awake because she kept trying to fall asleep. She had a full body CT scan, during which they found no internal bleeding, no brain swelling, no hemorrhage, an no inflammation. They did, however, find a basal skull fracture running from about the top curve of her skull to about the middle of her forehead. The two bones were not misaligned, and there seemed to be no concern that she would be leaking cerebrospinal fluid or have any swelling or bleeding there. You can't even see a bump or scratch there. It's on the inside.


What you could see by day two, were the tell-tale raccoon eyes of a child with a head injury. Both eyes grew black. One swelled shut. She had a couple of scrapes on her cheek and nose. She had a hematoma on her knee, where it obviously had made a big part of the impact. She was kept overnight in the hospital. My mother stayed with her, bless her!


The hard part for me was not rushing to her, not being there for her. My baby girl! There was nothing I could do but be a mom, which would have been more than enough I'm sure. But, I knew she was in good hands and that my being present would take moving heaven and earth. Being military (and since this occurred after business hours), I would have had a nightmare on my hands trying to secure emergency leave and drive the 5 hours (after a full day's work) to my parents' hometown. I would have missed my first day of clinical training at my practicum site. I would have done all of these things in a second, if I had felt I needed to. But I didn't need to.


The second hardest part was controlling my reaction to seeing her in person for the first time after it had happened. My child is not self-conscious in the least. But I didn't want to scare her or make her worried if I reacted poorly to her injuries.


Now, five days after the accident, she is back to her sassy, bossy self. One black eye is cleared up. The other will clear in a few days. The scrape on her nose is gone, and the one on her cheek will hopefully clear up in a couple of weeks. Her knee isn't swollen, and the bruising is almost gone. No other broken bones, no spinal injury, no permanent (we think) repercussions of her concussion.


She starts first grade tomorrow. We will take her out after a half-day, to have a follow-up appointment. I think the hardest part of all will be telling an active six-year-old that she can't run and jump on the playground at recess, that her feet must be on the ground at all times, that she cannot go back to Taekwondo for three months, and that she can't wrestle with her brother. I mean, we do tell her that last thing, but it hasn't worked yet. How does one keep a bird on the ground?


The thing we have learned is that it only takes a minute for something bad to happen. The consequences of one brief action could be long-term - and that is the lesson I hope our daughter learns from all of this. That, and, when Papa tells you to get down, GET DOWN!

Moving On

It has now been six months since we lost our little one. I have heard some women say that the only thing that made them feel better was trying again. I have felt better. Much better, most days. I have also felt numb and raw pain, but not nearly as bad as at the beginning. And I still feel like someone is missing from our lives.


So, we have decided that our way of moving on will be to try again. We have talked about it for a couple of months and have had a window in mind. I will have to start my pre-doctoral internship next fall. Our options are to try now and hope for a baby before my internship begins, or to wait until sometime during the internship to try again.


It's frustrating that we have to plan so much around all the things in our lives. I am "old" in terms of birthing years. Any pregnancy we have now will be considered high risk because of my age. No, I'm not signing up for AARP or anything, but risks start to increase at my age and fertility starts its gentle descent.


We don't really know what the future will hold. But maybe, just maybe.... I'll get to start blogging about pregnancy again.

The Honesty of Children

The three-year-old will look me in the face (when I can see his wet pants and the circle on my favorite blue chair) and say, "No!" when I ask him if he peed on my chair.

The six-year-old will look me in the face and say, "He just fell down!" when I saw her push her brother less than a half-a-second ago.

But sometimes, they don't know how to be anything other than honest. And sometimes, it's brutal.

Many parents opt to wait to tell their children that another one is coming. Sometimes, they wait until one of them rudely shouts out, "Mom is FAT!" Sometimes, they wait until after the first trimester is over. Sometimes, they wait until they get the positive result back from the doctor's office (serum test) after they've peed on a stick at home. So, we're those last people.

When we found out we were pregnant, we couldn't wait to share the news with our little ones. They have only been asking for like MONTHS if we were going to have more babies. They had even chosen the gender they preferred (each originally chose a same-sex sibling, but then the boy changed his mind and decided that he wanted a second sister). The eldest even chose a name (Daisy Sunrose). Don't ask.

So, when we found out we had miscarried and there would be no new baby after all, it wasn't easy to break the news to them. This, after all, is the very reason that so many parents choose to wait.

The younger is three. I think he had forgotten there was a baby in Mommy's tummy. He seemed sort of oblivious. The older is six. She knew, but nothing we said really explained it to her. She seemed confused. "The baby is coming early?" she asked. No, not that. "But the baby's not in your tummy anymore?" Right. "So where is the baby now? Is she at the hospital?" No, no, no. Finally, I said the hardest thing I've ever had to say. "The baby died, honey. The baby is in heaven." Click. Light bulb. The look of recognition on her face was enough.

But then, she came over and kissed my tummy and said, "Goodbye, baby."

She probably couldn't understand why I was crying. Or maybe she did. Which is why maybe she thought it would somehow make me feel better to know how glad she was that I could pick her up again. Only, it didn't. I cried more. Daddy had to take over for a while, as I went to lie down.

Sometimes, kids don't know how to be anything other than honest. And sometimes, it's better to hear the lie.

Healing Ain't Easy

There are no shortage of people in the world who aim to be helpful when others are grieving. Sometimes, people's way of being helpful is to give you space. Sometimes, they want to give you copious amounts of baked goods. Others want to dispense with advice. While well-intended, the advice-givers tend to be the ones that, despite their best efforts to be helpful, just aren't.

Advice and "tidbits" that either I or my husband have been given since our loss:

• "You'll get over it soon." Let's break that sentence down. On the surface, it seems pretty benign. But let's put the lens of grief on and take a second look. The phrase, "you'll get over it" is a brush-off, disregarding how painful and difficult it is (or maybe even impossible it is) for a person, in that moment of grief, to be able to see the other side of the mountain. And "soon" is relative, friends.
• "You can always have another one." This isn't like a car I really liked and just need to get a new one. This isn't even a favored pet that just died. This was a child. My child. And along with the hopes and dreams that go along with a pregnancy, all of those things died with him or her.
• "Did you know if it was a boy or girl?" I don't hate this entirely. Asking questions are better than assuming one knows everything ever and tries to share this amazing knowledge. But I am not at a place where I can consider the possibilities of a son or daughter that I will never know. The development stopped well before any sex organs would have been visible. So, in addition to not knowing the sex of my child, I have the pleasurable agony of adding to that thought that I will never know.
• "Have you thought about adopting?" Yes, we have. In fact, we'd considered doing that instead of/in addition to/before/after/whatever having a third biological child. We made a choice to expand our family biologically one more time (or whatever, maybe two more times). It doesn't mean we can't adopt. It doesn't mean we don't want to. But now isn't the time for me to prepare the mountain of documentation for an adoption. I'm just trying to get my taxes done for now, thanks.
• "Oh, I had a few of those [miscarriages], and I'm okay." First, okay, that really sucks for the individual who said this. Second, having anything bad happen to you once, twice, or seventeen times and surviving doesn't mean that everyone can, should, or will be able to just "be okay" with what happened, just like that.

One thing I am worried about is the gradual disappearance of compassion when I share my story. I'm struggling right now. Struggling to keep my temper in check with my kids, struggling to get all my work done, struggling to meet some milestones, just struggling. And I wonder how long the clock of compassion will tick inside the heads of those around me before they think, "Okay, she should have grieved long enough." How long before the expectations that I am "over it" start to change the way I interact with people who have these expectations? Or the way they interact with me?

How long is the timeline for grieving?

Grief is not finite. I'm learning that there are some days when I wake up and it feels like some kind of surreal dream, where I'm not even really sure if anything happened to me at all. Sometimes, I wake up and feel like the wound is wide open and raw, the pain so real and awful that I want to just scream into my pillow. Sometimes, I do. There will be days like each of these. There will be days when I feel "normal" again. There will be days when I don't think about the baby I wanted to hold. But not right now.

Right now, I block people's Facebook posts who have just announced their pregnancy. And the due date is too close to mine. In my head, I still have a due date. I imagine that when August comes, I will grieve some more. And by then, people will have decided that my deadlines are more important than whatever else is going on. By then, most people will probably think I should be "over it." 

The Thing We Never Talk About

Today, I'm going to talk about something that nobody talks about. People don't really want to talk about it. It's hard. It's sad. And if anyone has to endure it, they want it to go away quietly because it's too hard to share. I'm talking about miscarriage. And it happened to me.

Within the past two weeks.



These are the things I have learned about miscarriage in my Internet research and conversations with my health care provider.

Why Does it Happen?
The short answer: no reason, or a gazillion reasons. The longer answer (but still not very satisfying), is that sometimes abnormalities within the egg or the sperm (e.g., not enough chromosomes, too many chromosomes, errors in the DNA code that instructs the embryo on how to form, etc.) cause the development to stop early. Sometimes, environmental factors (e.g., toxins in the water, air, or food; exposure to "something" that one should not have contact with in pregnancy) impact the developing embryo. Sometimes, there just is no answer.

How Often Does it Happen?
The short answer: a lot. The longer answer, according to The Hope Exchange (a website providing help after pregnancy loss), is that as many as 25-33% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and up to 40% of all (including pre-positive pregnancy test) pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most of these pregnancies are lost in the first trimester, though some pregnancies are lost after 20 weeks (called stillbirth beginning at 20 weeks).

Am I Normal?
This is a hard question. My personal philosophy is that "normal" is a setting on the washing machine. But in the grander scheme of things, miscarriage is an unfortunately common experience. Almost 20% of the adult population has experienced the loss of a child (either in utero, or at some time in their lives). About 80% of miscarriages are one-time occurrences. Most people who experience a miscarriage only experience it once. Health care providers only conduct testing after three consecutive miscarriages (unless there is some indication in your medical history to check for problems before that).

What Should I Do if My Pregnancy isn't Viable?
There are three options on how to manage a pending miscarriage from the healthcare perspective.
1. Watch and wait. This is the fancy medical term for "natural" miscarriage. If the gestation stops progressing early (no more than about 7-8 weeks), even if not detected until later in expected pregnancy duration, the body will begin to expel the tissue on its own. 90% of miscarriages using this procedure will effectively end in complete miscarriage (e.g., all pregnancy-related tissue is expelled).
2. Medicine. Taking misoprostol (brand name: Cytotek) will expedite the miscarriage process. The body would still expel the tissue, but the process would occur faster (over a matter of hours, rather than days). Expect to have diarrhea, substantially more cramping than a natural miscarriage, and possibly more bleeding. If the watch and wait method has ended in incomplete miscarriage (e.g., some tissue from the pregnancy remains in the body), this medicine is used to "help" the process along.
3. D & C. Dilation and Curettage (or, more commonly, Dilation and Suction) is a very common treatment of miscarriage that works 100% of the time, no matter what type of miscarriage you are having. This is a medical intervention that involves sedation with anesthesia, local anesthetizing of the cervix, artificial dilation of the cervix, and suction of all tissue from the uterus.

Wait, there are TYPES of Miscarriage?
Yes, there are a few types. Embryonic Demise or Blighted Ovum is when the pregnancy has started but stops progressing for some reason. This usually happens very early in pregnancy. Incompetent Cervix is when a pregnancy is affected later (usually in second or third trimester) because the cervix is weak and begins to open due to the pressure from a growing baby. These happen in 1 of 100 pregnancies, and usually only if the cervix has been affected in some way by previous surgery, a previous traumatic birth (excessive tearing of the cervix), malformed uterus, or other defect. Anembryonic or Empty Sac pregnancy is when the pregnancy begins and a gestational sac is formed, but no embryo develops at all. These types of pregnancies usually require either the medicine or D &C approach to managing the miscarriage because the body will only naturally expel the tissue about 2/3 of the time. It may also be helpful to know that the medical term for miscarriage is Spontaneous Abortion. Abortion when it relates to pregnancy means "stopping the progression of pregnancy," and spontaneous means "it just sort of happened."

How do I Deal with Miscarriage?
This is a very personal thing. Miscarriage results in grief for many families. If it is your friend who is experiencing a miscarriage, imagine that she is experiencing the death of her child. Because she is. The pain and grief is unimaginable. And because of that, she may be acting angry, sad, indifferent, or any combination. Grief is funny that way. Most often, people feel angry and direct it at anything and anyone who happens to be nearby. Do not take this personally. If she's acting like she's in another world somewhere (this is called dissociation), she probably is. The real world keeps going on as if nothing happened. Her internal world is a mess of emotions and pain, and she can't really function there either. So she might "go away" for a while to help herself function in the real world and not necessarily address the internal mess. That's okay for a little while, but ultimately, we all have to face that grief. Otherwise, we might forget our way back to those emotions, and they'll keep poking their way into our lives in situations that are totally inappropriate. Like making us lash out at our spouses or children or friends.

Dealing with miscarriage is a challenge because people don't talk about it. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody has the right words, so they say nothing. Or they change the subject. Or they pretend nothing's wrong because they think that might be helpful. In actuality, it sends the message that our pain is insignificant, or that we can somehow be able to move on faster than we would if grieving a person we'd actually met. But what so many fail to realize, is that parents have made plans, have hopes and dreams, and maybe even imagine they know the little life they've created. They love the child they haven't met yet. And when a miscarriage happens, all of those things become meaningless or lost. They become part of the grief. And in some way, there's a darkening of hope for the future because their new little future is no more. They have to find out what their life is again. Now that it's missing a very special someone they've dreamed about, maybe before that someone was even conceived.

Sometimes, people rely on their faith to help them through this difficult time. Sometimes, people have crises of faith and blame their Deity(ies) for what has happened. Sometimes, people rely on friends who have had this experience. Sometimes, people become angry at friends because nobody has experienced the pain they feel right now. Sometimes, people quietly endure the grieving process. Sometimes, people choose to seek help from a therapist. I have chosen the latter because, again due to my personal philosophy, I am a therapist and cannot sell something I wouldn't choose to buy for myself. Therapy allows me to be angry, sad, afraid, confused, and whatever else I go through, without judgment. And therapy allows me to find the answers I seek within myself. Because they are there, even if I can't see them right now.