Week 36: Vaccination and the Can of Worms

36 Weeks
Romaine Lettuce


Wowza, what acrobatics this boy seems able to still manage in this ever-shrinking space between my ribs and pelvis! My abdomen contorts into the most unusual of shapes. As one can imagine, the sensation of my internal organs being shifted around feels less than pleasant. Hard to believe I'm a mere 28 days from the due date (which means, I could be as little as 14 days away from his arrival - barring any catastrophe). His number one job is to get chubby. He's gaining an ounce per day. He's probably about 18 inches long, maybe more. No wonder the jabs I'm getting from the inside feels so much more painful!


So, in keeping with the current, lots of new debates have sprung up over vaccinations vs. not, or on delayed schedule with some selecting-out of specific vaccines. Most of the new debates stem from the rising outbreak of the measles, a highly communicable disease that had all but been completely wiped out from the U.S. until a few years ago. First, there were one or two cases, then a few more. We're in the triple digits of new cases, which is unheard of for a disease that had supposedly been eradicated through vaccine use.


I posted something earlier today that captures pretty much how I feel about vaccinating. It follows below.

This is long. I'm sorry in advance.

I expose myself daily to the threat of death by motor vehicle accident every time I get into a car (and, in MD/NoVA/DC...I'm pretty sure the risk is higher). I also know that, despite the fact that we entrusted people who manufacture airbags in cars, I might get seriously injured by an airbag in the event of a crash (and it has recently been exposed that the #1 manufacturer of airbags has royally screwed up). I also know that my ribs might be broken if I wear a seatbelt. Regardless of these possible issues, I know that wearing a seatbelt and keeping my airbags turned on will SAVE MY LIFE if I get nailed by someone while driving on the beltway. So I do it. I do it with the expectation that the decisions of another driver put me at greater risk if I fail to protect myself from them.

I look at vaccinations the same way. I trust the science behind the diseases that are highly communicable and have been nearly eradicated from the planet, save for the few who have chosen (for whatever reason - personal, religious, medical vulnerability, or other reasons) not to vaccinate. The same science that tells me that I am 95-99% safe from acquiring a disease with potentially lethal health outcomes IF I vaccinate. Yes, I question the FDA. I know drugs get approved for reasons other than safety or public health concern. It's political, too. But, when something has been independently researched using dollars that did NOT come from any pharmaceutical company NUMEROUS times, nearly all yielding the same or similar results, I do not question the safety of the vaccines over the level of risk I am taking to go without.

I grew up in a world where there was no varicella vaccine. I had to have the chickenpox. Did I go blind? No. Did my fever fry my brain? No. Do I have scars? A few. Was I effing MISERABLE? Yes. So...I can give my child a shot that will hurt for a few seconds and keep them from being miserable AND keep them from having to deal with shingles later in life (1 in 3 people who had chickenpox go on to get shingles - so it's like the gift that keeps on giving - yay). Yeah, I'm on the side of preventing unnecessary suffering for my babies that will last into their old age. And it hasn't even been around long enough to have been critically evaluated by independent research on NEARLY the level as numerous other vaccines that have been around longer. I do it anyway. I've never had mumps, measles, or rubella. I wouldn't wish any of them on my worst enemy, so I damn sure won't risk my kids getting them. And because I know pertussis can kill babies, I got my TDap shot at 28 weeks of pregnancy because it will start my unborn's antibodies to build up and protect him until he can get his own vaccination at 6 months. Yes, I vaccinate.

I know that if I choose to take my vaccinated children to Disneyland someday, they will not expose the unvaccinated children with terminal illnesses who are there with Make-a-Wish Foundation, getting their wish to meet Cinderella. I also know that the decisions of others around me (again, for whatever reasons they may have), can potentially affect me or my children (just like the other drivers on the beltway). So I will do my utmost to inoculate my kids (and myself) against communicable disease (to get my 95% effective rate) and stay as far away from exposed individuals as possible, whenever possible, to aim for 100%.

Because, unlike choosing not to wear a seatbelt while driving in one's own car, choosing not to vaccinate could hurt someone else.

10 To Go

30 Weeks, 2 Days
Pumpkin, or Large Cabbage
It's hard to believe that the due date will be here in less than 10 weeks. Ten weeks to go, more or less, means that between two and three months from now, our little dude will be here. As Hubs says, "Sh** just got real." Only, it's been "real" for a while now. I get kicked, prodded, and poked. I sense the hiccups (night and day), and I can imagine what he is doing in there.


I am looking forward to the cuddle time, but it seems that rest is out the window. I'm already struggling with sleep. I feel like it's much too soon to be messing with my sleep. Unfortunately, I am dealing with the issues of waking up for no reason, tossing and turning, and having generally poor quality of sleep already. Once little man is here, it will be much, much worse (at least at first).


Still, I am excited about the prospect of meeting him. My belly is huge, and I can't imagine how he will manage to keep growing in the limited space I have left. I bet he finds a way!

We Jammin'

21 Weeks, 1 Day
Cantaloupe
Today, we had a work-related picnic to attend. Hubs couldn't make it, so it was just the offspring and me. We had a marvelous time, and the kids didn't want to leave. Even after J-bird jammed his finger on the basketball court. I didn't think much of it, but knew it was bad when he kept complaining later on. By evening, it had swollen big and fat. So, I gave him a popsicle. Then, I washed the stick, cut it in half, trimmed the sharp edges down, and put it between his hurt finger and the next one over. Taped them together, gave him ibuprofen, and he seems fine. Tried to ice it, but we had no clean baby washcloths, and the others were too thick for the ice to penetrate. The hard part was getting him to STOP. SUCKING. ON THE SPLINT. I padded it with a cotton round cleansing pad, so bits of the fluff were stuck to his mouth. Seriously, son. You are three years old. Knock it off!

Post-jam finger splint. No big deal.

Belly is doing fine. Rocked some new clothes, courtesy of my mother-in-law. Felt pretty good today - so much so, that we cleaned up leaves in the back yard (after I did the front yard yesterday). Only now, my lower back and bottom are pretty sore. I think I need to put my feet up!

October 15th

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. According to the official site, the entire month of October was designated as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. There are so many organizations out there to help out these days with loss of infants and pregnancy: First Candle, Pilari, and the T.E.A.R.S. Foundation, to name a few. But in 1988, there wasn't much. People hurt in silence. As a friend said to me, the hurt will be there forever and ever. But we can heal by moving forward. Into the future, and into life. We honor our children today. We honor the memories of those who are not with us by celebrating the ones who are, or by crying, or by lighting a candle, or by sharing our stories.

*      *      *      *      *

19 Weeks, 4 Days
Grapefruit

I feel my son squirming. Now is pretty much the halfway point, though most people would just say 20 weeks is. I'll probably post something to that effect in a couple days. Probably in the next week, the Hubs will be able to feel the squirming, too. I haven't gotten around to digitizing the pictures from last week's ultrasound, but suffice it to say, our child looks like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Good thing we like that movie! As I remember my child who did not join us in August, but who passed away in January, I am struck by the feeling that I am still blessed. I feel my son move again. He's getting comfortable. He still has a long way to go before he joins us. And I am not going to rush him.

Sweet Sixteen

16 Weeks
Avocado
I'm getting my "swole" on. Today, I am starting to look more like that evening picture from a couple posts ago. Fair enough.... because my little dude is 3 1/2 ounces and 4 1/2 inches long from crown to rump. I haven't felt another twinge since that first time, which makes me think that first time was a false alarm. Bummer. But, as an experienced mama, I should be able to feel some squirms soon. Part of how soon that will happen depends on exactly where within my uterus the little squirt has dug in. Because the uterus has no nerve endings for feeling, and neither do the small intestines that are also hanging out in the neighborhood, the only way a mama can feel her baby is if the little guy or gal kicks to the front (and the belly nerves can catch it) or in the bottom (so the bladder, vagina, anus, or other areas of the pelvic region can catch it). This explains why some have described those "flutters" as gas, feeling like they need to pee, or other fun things. Since my "works" are all tilted to the rear, my best chance of feeling movement this early is on those downward kicks. And that, of course, is if Blueberry is down low. Right now, I know he's skinny and covered in hair (called lanugo). I also know the top of my uterus is about 3 inches below my belly button. And is going to get bigger and bigger!


Time to break out more maternity clothes.

Physical Exhaustion and the Easily-Spooked Appetite

15 Weeks, 1 Day
Pear

I'm feeling a little better in terms of rest. Got my first prenatal massage yesterday and opted for another in two weeks. It's a little weird to lie on your side the entire time and cuddle with a body pillow, but apparently that's what the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends (or so it stated on the consent form). I could stand a few more hours of sleep each night, and the muscle tension isn't too bad. Had a small bout of sciatica, but it seems to be very mild.

My appetite seems to be creeping back toward normal. I go through more predictable cycles of hunger these days. I haven't had too much trouble incorporating things back into my diet that I was just not "feeling" before. However, the amount of food I can consume at any given time is still fairly small. We ate cheeseburgers for dinner (homemade, mostly). They were tiny, so I thought I could also eat some raw veggies and a handful (maybe 8) tater tots. I was wrong. I managed to get the burger and tots down, but only a few veggies. Probably should have eaten them first. Oh, well!

But even though I just said I wasn't as sleepy as I used to be, it is now just before 10pm, and I'm struggling to type. Just going to listen to my baby body now. Time to sleep! Maybe my other babies won't decide it's a good idea to get up and demand pancakes at 6:30am (like one of them did today)!

Why Pregnant Women Change Clothes So Much

Without fail, I will go through a wardrobe change at least twice in a day. Part of it is because I am taking off a uniform and putting on "real people" clothes. Sometimes, however, it's because I just need more space.


The following two photos were both taken on the same day, at 14 weeks, 4 days.

The first is from the morning, and the second is from the afternoon. No, I am not deliberately pushing my belly out. I am actually trying to "suck in" - which is why the bottom looks so pronounced, I guess.

This is REALLY what it's like to deal with bloating and junk. And why it's really frustrating to wear clothes that fit one minute and don't the next. Or, to be asked if you are twice as far along as you actually are.


Ladies, if you want to look small for your "bump" pictures, take them in the morning. If you are just too excited about that baby belly and want it to appear larger, take your pictures in the afternoon or evening. Or, if you are forgetful and neglect taking regular pictures of your growing belly (in the event this is something you want to document), just take some morning and night and tell people the night picture is actually a later week. It'll totally work.

The First 100 Days of Pregnancy

This journey is one for which I hope to keep a more accurate log, as it is happening. In the moments I began writing this, I had not yet told anyone about this pregnancy. So, this post was written in draft mode. By the time you read it, I will have made my announcement (so it comes as no surprise to my closest folks). I've put how I was feeling and what was going on at each stage, as well as a size guide to know how big baby was at the time of the post. Hang in there.... it's a LONG one!

Day 25
Something is up. I feel suspicious that I might be pregnant. Yes, it's early. But my boobs hurt. More than just the twinge I feel sometimes before my period. Hubs says he is certain that he "put a baby in there." I am wondering if it's just wishful thinking. I mean, this is the first time we've really tried. If it worked, this baby was conceived in Cape Cod!!!

Day 31 (4 weeks, 3 days)
Poppy Seed
Period is three days late. Time to pee.... and it didn't even take the two minutes. Definitely yes. This alone makes me sigh in some relief. The last pregnancy had only a very faint positive, which made me think my hormones were pretty low, even then. Not so at this point. Pretty dang BOLD second line. The timing seems weird, that I could only have been pregnant actually for two weeks so far, but they count it from the last period. So, even though my baby is only about two weeks old (and technically just an embryo), the calculation for my pregnancy is 4 weeks, 3 days.

Day 39 (5 weeks, 4 days)
Sesame Seed
Went to the lab to get an "official" test so that I can make an appointment. They won't get back to me, ever. So I ended up having to call and be like, "Hellooooo." I am leaning toward going back to the midwives, even this early. So, I called the midwives instead of reaching out to my family practitioners. The really great news is, they'll see me a LOT sooner than I would have been seen in Family Medicine. This is great news because I want to have the earliest possible contact with a provider. Maybe get to see the little tadpole. Waiting until 11 weeks for a first appointment would be brutal. I'll go back to family practice docs after the birth, for all my well-baby checkups.

Day 42 (6 weeks)
Grain of Rice
Fatigue has set in. I feel sleepy in the middle of the day. The middle of the day is like my peak performance time, so this is definitely out of my norm. I'm also struggling to stay asleep later, which is also not my usual thing. My usual thing is to stay up too late and sleep too late. Now, I want to go to bed at like 9:30 and sleep until 7:15!!

Day 47 (6 weeks, 5 days)
Been feeling "blah" for a couple of days. Not exactly nauseated, but that sort of uneasy feeling in my tummy that potentially signifies future nausea. Food, in general, seems unappealing to me. Nevertheless, I have gained 2 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. I am feeling nervous today because I was in my 6th week when my last baby stopped developing. Six to go until I feel "safe" enough to share the news.

Day 49 (7 weeks)
Blueberry
Today was the first day I needed to munch some ginger because I felt a wave of nausea plaguing me. I bought a jar of sushi ginger. It's great. Like a magic pill. Made a mental note to buy Cheerios to place next to my bed, as it has worked before. Just a handful!

Day 52 (7 weeks, 3 days)
I decided to figure out when my trimesters would be. I know, I know. But I went to this online calculator and found out that I'll be at my second trimester on August 22 and my third on December 4, but this is according to baby's development. If calculating by gestation, it shifts to the right. If calculating by conception date, it goes to the right even more (by like, a LOT for the second trimester - September 10, December 7). This website also calculates the due date. For a single baby, it would be March 5 or 6. For twins, it is February 12. For triplets, it is January 15. For quads, it is January 8. That just goes to show you that the more babies you have, the tighter it gets in there in a hurry. So those babies might show up earlier than you might think! If there's more than one, that is.

Day 54 (7 weeks, 5 days)
Went in for my "OB Intake" which included a dating scan to determine correct estimated due date (EDD). Baby measured 7 weeks, 6 days so they didn't change my due date (they would do so if it were 5+ days off). Although the doctor could not hear the baby's heartbeat, she was able to observe it on the screen and said it was normal. She only showed me the screen when she had it frozen to print a picture, so I didn't get to see it. After last time, I feel relieved to know the little heart is beating. But, I would have felt much better if I had heard/seen it myself.

Blueberry, 7w6d

So we call it "Blueberry" because that is about the size. The little white bean-shaped thing inside the black oval in the bottom right is Blueberry.

Day 59 (8 weeks, 3 days)
Raspberry
I have to put on my "fancy" uniform on Friday. I'm a little worried about it because I've noticed my clothes fit more snugly right now. Those fancy uniforms are rather unforgiving. I will be able to continue to wear my "pajamas" (the ACU) easily for another couple of months before I feel the need to move into a maternity uniform. However, I won't have that luxury in my fancies (the ASU). Even though Blueberry is about...raspberry-sized (edging into grape territory), my uterus is the size of a grapefruit, and I'm a bit "bloaty." It might be time to place an order. This is distressing for me because I never had to purchase a maternity uniform when pregnant with my other two. We pretty much always wore the pajamas, and they loan you maternity pajamas without a problem. They do not, however, loan maternity fancies. And most military clothing sales stores (MCSS) do not have them on-hand. Something tells me it's not going to be like Amazon Prime. It might take a while. Best to not wait.

9 Weeks
Grape
My guts are getting pushed up by my uterus, but the good news is, I don't have to pee as much because things are starting to grow up more, and not push down as much. Of course, as Blueberry gets bigger (already grape-sized now), and heavier, that pushing down will happen again. I'll be rushing off to pee a lot more once again. But for now, I'll take a break from that and just try to ignore my "beer gut." Things really do happen a lot faster when you've done it before.

10 Weeks
Date
I decided to stop doing the days because it's getting ridiculous now. Supposedly, 10 weeks is the peak of morning sickness. At least, according to online resources I keep getting. But I'm not getting sick. Like, at all. I almost did today when I got a little overheated on the Metro in my fancy uniform, en route to a convention where I had to present a poster. But, I didn't barf. I'm a little nervous because, after the miscarriage, I am worried about the wellbeing of Blueberry (who is grape-size now). I should relax and enjoy the fact that I'm just having food aversions and losing weight (about 4 pounds so far). I never got super sick before, but I definitely tossed it at least a few times. I'll just do my best to chill. I have an appointment on Tuesday. I need that heartbeat.

10 Weeks, 4 Days
Had my first midwife appointment today. She was great, and let me own my crazy by doing the whole appointment in reverse order. She started with the ultrasound. Turns out, my uterus is tilted WAY back, which meant that she had to use the vaginal probe for the ultrasound. Blueberry's heart rate was 174 bpm, which is outstanding. She took an image, but it's a teeny baby (who actually looks like a baby now, even if so small) with a mega huge EKG printout. So, not worth posting. I do feel much better about things. I never cramped or anything before the miscarriage; all I had was that "feeling" that something was wrong. The good news, no cramping. The better news, nothing is wrong.

10 Weeks, 5 Days
Fig (by the end of the week)
Today was my due date for my angel baby. I am pretty sure I would not be able to get through today, if not for the fact that I am carrying another. I still find it hard to think about, but I'm so glad that we didn't give up. We wanted another kid, and just because it didn't work out before, doesn't mean we should call it quits. I'm feeling rather peaceful today.

12 Weeks
Plum
It has finally come. I ordered my "fancy" uniform, the ASU, which was much too large (at least the tunic was), but the pants have been altered and I picked them up today. But that's not what I'm talking about. The 12th week milestone has finally come. I feel really good about that. Still feeling food averse, but getting a little better. The worst part now is the bloating. It's not just a feeling of being fat. I mean, my stomach is poking out up top, well above where my uterus is, because all my guts are up in there I think. I tend to feel less nauseated when I poke it out big time. Which, of course, makes me look goofy because c'mon - I'm 12 weeks, not 22 weeks! Nevertheless, the maternity uniform couldn't come at a better time. I will start my clinical training at a site where I need to wear my "fancies" all the time. They are SO not forgiving, like the ACU. I'll still be able to wear my ACUs for another several weeks, I think. Most people know the news now. I waited until after my midwife appointment to share with several of them, just because I wanted the confirmation that everything was okay first.

12 Weeks, 3 Days
So, because I am "old" and will be 35 before this baby gets here, I had to have chromosomal screening for trisomy 13, 18, and 21 (the three most common chromosomal abnormalities). I got the results today and was surprised to learn (though, in hindsight, I really shouldn't be because it's a chromosomal determination as well) that they can also tell the baby's sex from this blood test. Now, I was originally pretty adamant about not wanting to find out, but Hubs was really wanting to know. In thinking about it further, I was just happy to know we had a healthy baby on the way and didn't really care about the sex, so I thought maybe this is no reason to deny him. Only, I had opted out of the gender screen at the time I did this blood test two weeks ago. When I got the email from my provider, I was kind of surprised to learn that she had the gender information. Turns out, she had pressed the wrong button when ordering labs and got the whole shebang after all. So.... I decided to have her call me with the news. Now, Hubs had been pretty certain it was a girl. He was two-for-two so far in predicting, and so far we'd both been on the same page. This time, I was getting NO girl "feelings" at all, and only vague sort of impressions of boyness. So, I guess I really wasn't too sure. My children both were certain it was going to be a boy, even though my daughter wants a sister. Turns out, the streak is broken. Daddy was wrong, and the kids were right. We're having a little dude! Oh, and we're low risk for any abnormality. The risk goes up as we age, but I've only got a 1/192 shot, according to this website anyway. If it were positive, it would not mean there was definitely some abnormality (because these tests get a 5% false-positive hit rate). It would signify that further testing should be done (the more invasive kind, probably). Regardless, the blood test looked good.

12 Weeks, 5 Days
Disaster! Not with my baby....with my firstborn! Can one imagine finding out her child has suffered a skull fracture without experiencing cold sweats, chills, heart palpitations, and other danger signs? She is going to be fine. Read my other post about it for details. That is more than enough excitement for our family!

13 Weeks
Kiwi
There is some debate as to whether this is the beginning of the second trimester, or if it is next week. I'm going to go with next week just because there seems to be a general consensus in the medical community that Week 14 is the beginning of the second trimester. I'm just excited that, before the end of next week, Blueberry will clear one ounce in body weight, which will make me feel slightly less guilty about my own fluctuations.

13 Weeks, 1 Day
Revealed the gender to my family today. And the name! All were pleased. In a surprising turn of events, daughter switched her guess to girl and was a bit upset that she was wrong. However, all's well. At the end of the day, she was happy. Her nighttime routine includes kissing and tickling my belly, saying, "Tickle, tickle, Baby!" Now, she has replaced "Baby" with his name, and the cuteness is swoon-worthy.

13 Weeks, 4 Days (Day 95)
In a slight panic because I realize that I will be publishing this post soon. Have I forgotten to tell anyone? I'm worried that I may publish this too soon. Maybe I should extend it to 120 days. Or maybe I'm being paranoid because my next appointment isn't for another three weeks. I'm finding myself in the place where I wish I were farther along and simultaneously wish I could hold onto these moments forever. We know which of the wishes will win out in the end... and I will blink and suddenly be a mom again. Time, she flies.

14 Weeks (Day 98)
Peach
Welcome to the second trimester! I thought (and it may have been my imagination, but I've felt this before, and)....I really, really thought I felt a teeny "bump" going on inside today. It was about the right time of day to feel movement. After I ate, had been moving around, and had just settled down on the couch for a moment's rest. When... "Bump!" It was only once. And little Blueberry (who is now the size of a peach from crown to rump) is still a little too small for me to feel consistently yet. However.... I'm pretty sure I felt one little bump from the inside. In two days this blog goes live. I'm both excited and nervous. Either way, Let's do this!

14 Weeks, 2 Days (Day 100)
The first one hundred days of pregnancy are done. So I guess that means, like, 180 days to go or something. If I did the math correctly, that is (40 weeks x 7 days each). By the end of this week, Blueberry will be the size of a pear, weigh in at 2.47 ounces, and measure 3.98 inches from crown to rump. He's going to start growing faster and faster, gaining about an ounce or more a week. By week 20 (halfway), he'll be 10-and-a-half ounces, and be about the size of a mango. I feel pretty good. Still having mild food aversions, but really no nausea. I am resting a little better at night, and feeling not so terribly exhausted. Starting to move into the fun part of pregnancy. I hope to feel (more) movement soon! And I hope to post more soon!

Moving On

It has now been six months since we lost our little one. I have heard some women say that the only thing that made them feel better was trying again. I have felt better. Much better, most days. I have also felt numb and raw pain, but not nearly as bad as at the beginning. And I still feel like someone is missing from our lives.


So, we have decided that our way of moving on will be to try again. We have talked about it for a couple of months and have had a window in mind. I will have to start my pre-doctoral internship next fall. Our options are to try now and hope for a baby before my internship begins, or to wait until sometime during the internship to try again.


It's frustrating that we have to plan so much around all the things in our lives. I am "old" in terms of birthing years. Any pregnancy we have now will be considered high risk because of my age. No, I'm not signing up for AARP or anything, but risks start to increase at my age and fertility starts its gentle descent.


We don't really know what the future will hold. But maybe, just maybe.... I'll get to start blogging about pregnancy again.

The Honesty of Children

The three-year-old will look me in the face (when I can see his wet pants and the circle on my favorite blue chair) and say, "No!" when I ask him if he peed on my chair.

The six-year-old will look me in the face and say, "He just fell down!" when I saw her push her brother less than a half-a-second ago.

But sometimes, they don't know how to be anything other than honest. And sometimes, it's brutal.

Many parents opt to wait to tell their children that another one is coming. Sometimes, they wait until one of them rudely shouts out, "Mom is FAT!" Sometimes, they wait until after the first trimester is over. Sometimes, they wait until they get the positive result back from the doctor's office (serum test) after they've peed on a stick at home. So, we're those last people.

When we found out we were pregnant, we couldn't wait to share the news with our little ones. They have only been asking for like MONTHS if we were going to have more babies. They had even chosen the gender they preferred (each originally chose a same-sex sibling, but then the boy changed his mind and decided that he wanted a second sister). The eldest even chose a name (Daisy Sunrose). Don't ask.

So, when we found out we had miscarried and there would be no new baby after all, it wasn't easy to break the news to them. This, after all, is the very reason that so many parents choose to wait.

The younger is three. I think he had forgotten there was a baby in Mommy's tummy. He seemed sort of oblivious. The older is six. She knew, but nothing we said really explained it to her. She seemed confused. "The baby is coming early?" she asked. No, not that. "But the baby's not in your tummy anymore?" Right. "So where is the baby now? Is she at the hospital?" No, no, no. Finally, I said the hardest thing I've ever had to say. "The baby died, honey. The baby is in heaven." Click. Light bulb. The look of recognition on her face was enough.

But then, she came over and kissed my tummy and said, "Goodbye, baby."

She probably couldn't understand why I was crying. Or maybe she did. Which is why maybe she thought it would somehow make me feel better to know how glad she was that I could pick her up again. Only, it didn't. I cried more. Daddy had to take over for a while, as I went to lie down.

Sometimes, kids don't know how to be anything other than honest. And sometimes, it's better to hear the lie.

The Thing We Never Talk About

Today, I'm going to talk about something that nobody talks about. People don't really want to talk about it. It's hard. It's sad. And if anyone has to endure it, they want it to go away quietly because it's too hard to share. I'm talking about miscarriage. And it happened to me.

Within the past two weeks.



These are the things I have learned about miscarriage in my Internet research and conversations with my health care provider.

Why Does it Happen?
The short answer: no reason, or a gazillion reasons. The longer answer (but still not very satisfying), is that sometimes abnormalities within the egg or the sperm (e.g., not enough chromosomes, too many chromosomes, errors in the DNA code that instructs the embryo on how to form, etc.) cause the development to stop early. Sometimes, environmental factors (e.g., toxins in the water, air, or food; exposure to "something" that one should not have contact with in pregnancy) impact the developing embryo. Sometimes, there just is no answer.

How Often Does it Happen?
The short answer: a lot. The longer answer, according to The Hope Exchange (a website providing help after pregnancy loss), is that as many as 25-33% of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and up to 40% of all (including pre-positive pregnancy test) pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most of these pregnancies are lost in the first trimester, though some pregnancies are lost after 20 weeks (called stillbirth beginning at 20 weeks).

Am I Normal?
This is a hard question. My personal philosophy is that "normal" is a setting on the washing machine. But in the grander scheme of things, miscarriage is an unfortunately common experience. Almost 20% of the adult population has experienced the loss of a child (either in utero, or at some time in their lives). About 80% of miscarriages are one-time occurrences. Most people who experience a miscarriage only experience it once. Health care providers only conduct testing after three consecutive miscarriages (unless there is some indication in your medical history to check for problems before that).

What Should I Do if My Pregnancy isn't Viable?
There are three options on how to manage a pending miscarriage from the healthcare perspective.
1. Watch and wait. This is the fancy medical term for "natural" miscarriage. If the gestation stops progressing early (no more than about 7-8 weeks), even if not detected until later in expected pregnancy duration, the body will begin to expel the tissue on its own. 90% of miscarriages using this procedure will effectively end in complete miscarriage (e.g., all pregnancy-related tissue is expelled).
2. Medicine. Taking misoprostol (brand name: Cytotek) will expedite the miscarriage process. The body would still expel the tissue, but the process would occur faster (over a matter of hours, rather than days). Expect to have diarrhea, substantially more cramping than a natural miscarriage, and possibly more bleeding. If the watch and wait method has ended in incomplete miscarriage (e.g., some tissue from the pregnancy remains in the body), this medicine is used to "help" the process along.
3. D & C. Dilation and Curettage (or, more commonly, Dilation and Suction) is a very common treatment of miscarriage that works 100% of the time, no matter what type of miscarriage you are having. This is a medical intervention that involves sedation with anesthesia, local anesthetizing of the cervix, artificial dilation of the cervix, and suction of all tissue from the uterus.

Wait, there are TYPES of Miscarriage?
Yes, there are a few types. Embryonic Demise or Blighted Ovum is when the pregnancy has started but stops progressing for some reason. This usually happens very early in pregnancy. Incompetent Cervix is when a pregnancy is affected later (usually in second or third trimester) because the cervix is weak and begins to open due to the pressure from a growing baby. These happen in 1 of 100 pregnancies, and usually only if the cervix has been affected in some way by previous surgery, a previous traumatic birth (excessive tearing of the cervix), malformed uterus, or other defect. Anembryonic or Empty Sac pregnancy is when the pregnancy begins and a gestational sac is formed, but no embryo develops at all. These types of pregnancies usually require either the medicine or D &C approach to managing the miscarriage because the body will only naturally expel the tissue about 2/3 of the time. It may also be helpful to know that the medical term for miscarriage is Spontaneous Abortion. Abortion when it relates to pregnancy means "stopping the progression of pregnancy," and spontaneous means "it just sort of happened."

How do I Deal with Miscarriage?
This is a very personal thing. Miscarriage results in grief for many families. If it is your friend who is experiencing a miscarriage, imagine that she is experiencing the death of her child. Because she is. The pain and grief is unimaginable. And because of that, she may be acting angry, sad, indifferent, or any combination. Grief is funny that way. Most often, people feel angry and direct it at anything and anyone who happens to be nearby. Do not take this personally. If she's acting like she's in another world somewhere (this is called dissociation), she probably is. The real world keeps going on as if nothing happened. Her internal world is a mess of emotions and pain, and she can't really function there either. So she might "go away" for a while to help herself function in the real world and not necessarily address the internal mess. That's okay for a little while, but ultimately, we all have to face that grief. Otherwise, we might forget our way back to those emotions, and they'll keep poking their way into our lives in situations that are totally inappropriate. Like making us lash out at our spouses or children or friends.

Dealing with miscarriage is a challenge because people don't talk about it. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody has the right words, so they say nothing. Or they change the subject. Or they pretend nothing's wrong because they think that might be helpful. In actuality, it sends the message that our pain is insignificant, or that we can somehow be able to move on faster than we would if grieving a person we'd actually met. But what so many fail to realize, is that parents have made plans, have hopes and dreams, and maybe even imagine they know the little life they've created. They love the child they haven't met yet. And when a miscarriage happens, all of those things become meaningless or lost. They become part of the grief. And in some way, there's a darkening of hope for the future because their new little future is no more. They have to find out what their life is again. Now that it's missing a very special someone they've dreamed about, maybe before that someone was even conceived.

Sometimes, people rely on their faith to help them through this difficult time. Sometimes, people have crises of faith and blame their Deity(ies) for what has happened. Sometimes, people rely on friends who have had this experience. Sometimes, people become angry at friends because nobody has experienced the pain they feel right now. Sometimes, people quietly endure the grieving process. Sometimes, people choose to seek help from a therapist. I have chosen the latter because, again due to my personal philosophy, I am a therapist and cannot sell something I wouldn't choose to buy for myself. Therapy allows me to be angry, sad, afraid, confused, and whatever else I go through, without judgment. And therapy allows me to find the answers I seek within myself. Because they are there, even if I can't see them right now.

Tick-tock...

Our son is due to arrive this week, and we are quite excited about it.  While his sister arrived a week early, it appears this one will not be following suit.  This is perfectly okay with us, as we are about as unprepared to bring our newborn home as we could possibly be!  Okay, it's not really that bad, but it could definitely be a whole lot better.  We have bought diapers, but I am putting off packing a "to-go" bag.  His room is set up, but he won't be sleeping in it for at least a month... meanwhile, the bed-side sleeper I bought STILL has not arrived (despite its anticipated arrival date of 21-25 January).

The second child is definitely a different expectation from the first.  While I was just beside myself and eager to meet our firstborn, I am silently willing this boy to stay put at least for another day.  My mother arrives tomorrow night to help with toddler care and new baby care and exhausted parent care.  Considering our current living circumstances (far away from nearly everyone we care about), it is reasonable to see why I would want him to wait.  We are still, of course, excited to meet him.  My husband, actually, is more excited this time because he is no longer afraid of fatherhood.  He is the one who keeps telling me to go pack my bag.

Guess I should get on that.

E is THREE!!!

Yesterday, my firstborn turned three.  It is absolutely impossible to imagine the road we've taken over these past three years (nearly four, if you include the pregnancy too).  Today we will celebrate with friends while enduring even more of her obsession with Thomas the Train.

She says things that embarrass us, cause us to laugh hysterically, anger us, surprise us, and sometimes all of that happens at once.  She does things that infuriate us to no end, and she does other things that just melt our hearts.  Her smile sends us over the moon; her (real) cry breaks us into a million pieces.  Her fake cry annoys us.  Her secret language baffles us, as does her command of vocabulary in English and even a little Spanish.

We just never know what each day will bring us, and we're reveling in this short period of time we have left with just her before our world changes again with the arrival of our son in (more or less) a month.

The Male of the Species

I have often found it sort of sad that my dear, sweet husband (who is otherwise there for me at every turn) just seems to check out during my pregnancies.  I thought, the first time, that it was because he was afraid of fatherhood.  He confirmed as much in a few different conversations we'd had.  However, I thought maybe this time (now that he's conquered "fatherhood" quite well) he'd be a little more excited about pregnancy number two and the impending birth of a son.

Turns out, men tend to see their pregnant wives in a whole different way.  Pregnancy is like a "Keep Off the Grass" sign to the men.  My husband describes it as a feeling of waiting to have his wife back.  Now, while he is thrilled and excited about the birth of his second child and knows full well he can rock being a superdad a second time, he is not excited to know about every inner working of my changing body, the growth of our boy, if that distortion on my belly is an elbow or a knee, the exact expansion rate of my ribcage, how our son's head is pressing on my bladder, or that he has relentless hiccups that keep me up at night.

It's a perspective issue.  We mommies see the pregnancy as a miracle unto itself.  The changes our bodies undergo to support the growing life inside us, the way we were perfectly formed to carry out the mission of developing and giving birth to a new life, the way we were built to nurture this new life with our perfectly formulated, natural, wholesome milk supply, and so on.

To daddies, the true miracle begins after the baby has entered the outside world.  To them, it's a miracle that such a tiny thing will grow to be a real person someday.  It's a miracle that his wife has done such an amazing thing as childbirth.  It's a miracle that someday she'll look like her old self (God-willing, anyway).  It's a miracle that, despite all the hustle-bustle that often occurs after birth (especially in a hospital), that he can't focus on anything but that tiny little baby and his radiant wife, who is now a mother (and this reminds him that he is a FATHER!!).  And, of course, it's a miracle to the new daddy that he is able to function with so little sleep once baby and mommy come home with him!

I don't feel so sad about it now.  I understand that men see pregnancy and childbirth as secret clubs for women, and that no matter how much we try to make them a part of the whole process, all they really want to do is be present, holding our hands, telling us we're doing great (while simultaneously wondering if he's doing great), secretly wondering if we're in agonizing pain and why he can't make it better, and ultimately kissing us and holding their progeny in complete awe.

The miracle and the mystery is for us mommies to enjoy.

The Deuce

We haven't really decided what to nickname our "number two child" but we ARE expecting again, and it's such a delight to know I get the privilege of reliving the experience. We only just discovered we were growing a new little sprout, so we're expecting a February delivery.

E has been informed that she will become a big sister, but of course, as it often is for 2-year-olds, reality has not yet sunk in. We're looking forward to coaching her into the idea along the way. Especially as Mommy's shape changes!

The first thing that really came to mind when I first learned of the pregnancy was how incredibly exhausting the first few weeks really are. I've taken naps nearly every day for the past week. I first had an inkling when, in the shower, I noticed my breasts were really firm. As we age, the tautness of youth tends to... well, not be there anymore. So anyway, it was pretty different. Then of course, the frequent urination was another hint. And of course, the more obvious missed period. Although, to be honest, I was already sure by the time I was two days late (TWO DAYS!!!) and took a test.

So here we are, and blood tests confirmed it. The online EDD calculator I found at BabyCenter gave us a 2 February date, but since it is an inexact science, I'm thinking it will be about a week or so later. We'll see!!!

With parenthood, marriage, and career all hanging in the balance, I don't know how dutiful I will be to updating this blog, but I will surely do my best to keep the notes coming. Every pregnancy is different (not just for each woman, but for each pregnancy), so I'm looking forward to the changes that will come with this new life.

She's here!

We had a beautiful new year baby. Since she was the FIRST, she was already on the Internet before she was even 24 hours old! More pictures and all the gory details to follow, but it's our first full day home from the hospital and we need the rest!

Ew, ew, ew....plus, practical advice

The last little bit of pregnancy is getting pretty disgusting. Apparently, one of the many purposes of the "membrane sweep" is to loosen the mucous plug. The membrane sweeping hurt like crap, as I mentioned in the previous blog. However, I'd say it was pretty productive if it caused this one step in pre-labor to happen.



In real life, the mucous plug looks like a really nasty loogie. This website has a picture of a real one if you really, really want to see an example. I was pretty disgusted by it. So this basically means labor could start in a few hours, or up to two weeks from now. I'm truly hoping for sooner rather than later, of course.

We went on a tour of the labor & delivery ward at the hospital last night. I highly recommend going at night, through the emergency department, so that you can find the birthing center from there. It's one thing to know how to get there from the entrance closest to it, but that might be closed after-hours or on weekends. If you need someone to give you a tour, you might want to call ahead to ensure that there is at least one birthing room available to look at, and that staff isn't too busy to take a few minutes and walk you around. I wish I had brought my camera. The birthing room was super-awesome and comfy-looking. Well, maybe in a couple days I'll get to be in one. There will be pictures then, of course!

I Feel Like a Car

... except one that can feel pain.

I had my 38-week checkup today. They ask if there's any strange "knocking" (contractions), leaks, drips, etc. before checking under the hood themselves. Then, the "sweep" or "stripping" of membranes occurs. Wow, so I didn't know it would feel like I was being forcibly violated. I had to take a breather in between sweeps. The reason it was so painful is because my cervix is still pretty thick, so the midwife had to kind of jab to get in there. She promises it won't be as bad next time because the cervix will be thinner.

Before any poking and prodding, however, she told me I was 30% effaced and 1 1/2 cm dilated. It means practically nothing. But at least things are progressing. It's hard not to be discouraged at this point when you've heard about 3 different women (1 due the day before you, and 2 with due-dates after yours) already have babies. I'm trying to stay positive.

My dear husband is very encouraging and keeps me from turning into a crazy person. He's also reading "The Birth Partner" by Penny Simkin (we're using the 2nd edition but there is a 3rd edition out). It's sort of alleviating any mental trauma I've had about labor and delivery. Plus, it says quite clearly what my dear husband should be doing during all of it. It's pretty helpful, and I recommend it.

Shocking Revelation

I was sitting here, minding my own business, when a crazy thought occurred to me.... I have absolutely NO idea what contractions feel like! Several people have asked me if I'm having Braxton-Hicks (practice contractions) and I always say no, because I figure I'd probably know if I did, right? But I don't know! My mom, always a giver of advice, said I would just feel "different." Ambiguity is awesome.

Another friend has advised I have my membranes stripped after 38 weeks. I think on my 39-week appointment, if the baby isn't doing anything progressively toward labor, I will!

34 Weeks, 2 Days

Had the last ultrasound today. Baby was pretty cooperative, although it took some time to see the heart. Didn't matter much because this tech didn't really have the high-quality machine that the other tech did, nor the expertise about VSDs - so she said she couldn't see them, and I guess that's a good thing. Anyway, the part you are all waiting for... pictures!

Baby has a head full of hair!

You can see a closed eye and eyebrow.

Baby gots some fat lips!

If you can't see that last one, tilt your head to the right and imagine Baby is blindfolded. You can see the bottom of the little nose and then BIG FAT LIPS!!!! That's okay, both Mommy and Daddy have them as well. Time is drawing short on this pregnancy. Less than six weeks to go. Hopefully, Baby wants to show up on time (or maybe a few days early). We shall see.