October 15th

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. According to the official site, the entire month of October was designated as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. There are so many organizations out there to help out these days with loss of infants and pregnancy: First Candle, Pilari, and the T.E.A.R.S. Foundation, to name a few. But in 1988, there wasn't much. People hurt in silence. As a friend said to me, the hurt will be there forever and ever. But we can heal by moving forward. Into the future, and into life. We honor our children today. We honor the memories of those who are not with us by celebrating the ones who are, or by crying, or by lighting a candle, or by sharing our stories.

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19 Weeks, 4 Days
Grapefruit

I feel my son squirming. Now is pretty much the halfway point, though most people would just say 20 weeks is. I'll probably post something to that effect in a couple days. Probably in the next week, the Hubs will be able to feel the squirming, too. I haven't gotten around to digitizing the pictures from last week's ultrasound, but suffice it to say, our child looks like Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Good thing we like that movie! As I remember my child who did not join us in August, but who passed away in January, I am struck by the feeling that I am still blessed. I feel my son move again. He's getting comfortable. He still has a long way to go before he joins us. And I am not going to rush him.

Wow, your belly just popped!

18 Weeks
Dragon Fruit (or, if you are boring, Sweet Potato)
My exotic little dude is kicking a lot more now. I can't quite make out a pattern to it yet, so kick-counting might not happen for another week or two. The fantastic news is, I will get to see him on ultrasound in just a few days!!! Pics will be posted. No worries. Everyone loves ultrasound pics, right? Right??


My workouts have had to adjust. I'm now to the point where my center of gravity is shifting up and forward, so I can't dart all over the place in multiple directions. I also can't be on my back anymore (so no more bicycle kicks). Sad as it may seem, someone who was working out near me asked me why I wasn't showing yet (at 16w, 5d). Someone who was with the asker (who also happened to be a family medicine doc) replied, "Oh, she shouldn't be showing yet." How little he knew! Even as a health care provider, he evidently didn't know that there's a wide range of when the "bump" appears. I'm short in stature and have had two kids before, so there's really no surprise that I had a little "beer gut" by then.


However, in the past few days, I have noticed a rapid progression to roundness. I lamented to some colleagues at the gym that I might need to start bringing a beach towel instead of a regular bath towel for my post-workout showers. The bath towel doesn't quite cover all the naked real estate anymore. It sort of happened suddenly, which is just as I remember it before. Moving toward the fifth month of pregnancy, it's about time he decided to get large! Right now, Blueberry (the size of a dragon fruit) is about 5.6 inches long (from the top of his head to his little bum) and weighs about 6.7 ounces. I switched to my maternity ACU this week as well. I couldn't button the trousers anymore, so... here we are, elastic.


I have decided, however, that my next mission will be to redesign the maternity uniforms. One major flaw in all of them (dress uniforms or no) is that they are almost entirely devoid of pockets. I dreaded switching over to the maternity gear, not because I was ashamed of my growing midsection, but because I didn't want to be without pockets. Where will I keep my keys, wallet, lip balm, cell phone, ID badge, and all the other junk I carry around? I certainly can't use a PURSE. Obviously, whoever designed the maternity uniforms (a) is a man, (b) has never had children, (c) lacks practical thinking, or (d) all of the above.

BRUNCH - because, why not?

17 weeks, 2 days
Navel Orange
I'm feeling great. Every so often, I can sense a little wiggle, which means Blueberry (who is now the size of a navel orange - not to be confused with a Naval orange like those on a ship - ha!) is getting bigger all the time. Had my 16-week checkup last week, and the heart rate has gone down by a lot - to 146 bpm. Still well within the normal range for fetal heart rate. I measure where I should, with the top of my uterus just about 2-3 inches below my belly button. At 20 weeks, it should be right at my belly button.


Now that I'm cruising well into the second trimester, I feel like my fatigue is starting to wane. I say starting to, because I am at the busiest time of my year - working on about three different things at one time and trying to stay sane. As either a way to stay sane, or as a way to just add something to my schedule (because I apparently needed to do that), we're having some friends over for brunch today. I love brunch. It's like a free-for-all carb-fest, with some eggs and other stuff. Pretty much anything is possible. And one of my friends is bringing some apple muffins, made from the apples picked at a farm near us. Mmmmm....


Time to make my house smell of deliciousness!

Sweet Sixteen

16 Weeks
Avocado
I'm getting my "swole" on. Today, I am starting to look more like that evening picture from a couple posts ago. Fair enough.... because my little dude is 3 1/2 ounces and 4 1/2 inches long from crown to rump. I haven't felt another twinge since that first time, which makes me think that first time was a false alarm. Bummer. But, as an experienced mama, I should be able to feel some squirms soon. Part of how soon that will happen depends on exactly where within my uterus the little squirt has dug in. Because the uterus has no nerve endings for feeling, and neither do the small intestines that are also hanging out in the neighborhood, the only way a mama can feel her baby is if the little guy or gal kicks to the front (and the belly nerves can catch it) or in the bottom (so the bladder, vagina, anus, or other areas of the pelvic region can catch it). This explains why some have described those "flutters" as gas, feeling like they need to pee, or other fun things. Since my "works" are all tilted to the rear, my best chance of feeling movement this early is on those downward kicks. And that, of course, is if Blueberry is down low. Right now, I know he's skinny and covered in hair (called lanugo). I also know the top of my uterus is about 3 inches below my belly button. And is going to get bigger and bigger!


Time to break out more maternity clothes.

Physical Exhaustion and the Easily-Spooked Appetite

15 Weeks, 1 Day
Pear

I'm feeling a little better in terms of rest. Got my first prenatal massage yesterday and opted for another in two weeks. It's a little weird to lie on your side the entire time and cuddle with a body pillow, but apparently that's what the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recommends (or so it stated on the consent form). I could stand a few more hours of sleep each night, and the muscle tension isn't too bad. Had a small bout of sciatica, but it seems to be very mild.

My appetite seems to be creeping back toward normal. I go through more predictable cycles of hunger these days. I haven't had too much trouble incorporating things back into my diet that I was just not "feeling" before. However, the amount of food I can consume at any given time is still fairly small. We ate cheeseburgers for dinner (homemade, mostly). They were tiny, so I thought I could also eat some raw veggies and a handful (maybe 8) tater tots. I was wrong. I managed to get the burger and tots down, but only a few veggies. Probably should have eaten them first. Oh, well!

But even though I just said I wasn't as sleepy as I used to be, it is now just before 10pm, and I'm struggling to type. Just going to listen to my baby body now. Time to sleep! Maybe my other babies won't decide it's a good idea to get up and demand pancakes at 6:30am (like one of them did today)!

Why Pregnant Women Change Clothes So Much

Without fail, I will go through a wardrobe change at least twice in a day. Part of it is because I am taking off a uniform and putting on "real people" clothes. Sometimes, however, it's because I just need more space.


The following two photos were both taken on the same day, at 14 weeks, 4 days.

The first is from the morning, and the second is from the afternoon. No, I am not deliberately pushing my belly out. I am actually trying to "suck in" - which is why the bottom looks so pronounced, I guess.

This is REALLY what it's like to deal with bloating and junk. And why it's really frustrating to wear clothes that fit one minute and don't the next. Or, to be asked if you are twice as far along as you actually are.


Ladies, if you want to look small for your "bump" pictures, take them in the morning. If you are just too excited about that baby belly and want it to appear larger, take your pictures in the afternoon or evening. Or, if you are forgetful and neglect taking regular pictures of your growing belly (in the event this is something you want to document), just take some morning and night and tell people the night picture is actually a later week. It'll totally work.

The First 100 Days of Pregnancy

This journey is one for which I hope to keep a more accurate log, as it is happening. In the moments I began writing this, I had not yet told anyone about this pregnancy. So, this post was written in draft mode. By the time you read it, I will have made my announcement (so it comes as no surprise to my closest folks). I've put how I was feeling and what was going on at each stage, as well as a size guide to know how big baby was at the time of the post. Hang in there.... it's a LONG one!

Day 25
Something is up. I feel suspicious that I might be pregnant. Yes, it's early. But my boobs hurt. More than just the twinge I feel sometimes before my period. Hubs says he is certain that he "put a baby in there." I am wondering if it's just wishful thinking. I mean, this is the first time we've really tried. If it worked, this baby was conceived in Cape Cod!!!

Day 31 (4 weeks, 3 days)
Poppy Seed
Period is three days late. Time to pee.... and it didn't even take the two minutes. Definitely yes. This alone makes me sigh in some relief. The last pregnancy had only a very faint positive, which made me think my hormones were pretty low, even then. Not so at this point. Pretty dang BOLD second line. The timing seems weird, that I could only have been pregnant actually for two weeks so far, but they count it from the last period. So, even though my baby is only about two weeks old (and technically just an embryo), the calculation for my pregnancy is 4 weeks, 3 days.

Day 39 (5 weeks, 4 days)
Sesame Seed
Went to the lab to get an "official" test so that I can make an appointment. They won't get back to me, ever. So I ended up having to call and be like, "Hellooooo." I am leaning toward going back to the midwives, even this early. So, I called the midwives instead of reaching out to my family practitioners. The really great news is, they'll see me a LOT sooner than I would have been seen in Family Medicine. This is great news because I want to have the earliest possible contact with a provider. Maybe get to see the little tadpole. Waiting until 11 weeks for a first appointment would be brutal. I'll go back to family practice docs after the birth, for all my well-baby checkups.

Day 42 (6 weeks)
Grain of Rice
Fatigue has set in. I feel sleepy in the middle of the day. The middle of the day is like my peak performance time, so this is definitely out of my norm. I'm also struggling to stay asleep later, which is also not my usual thing. My usual thing is to stay up too late and sleep too late. Now, I want to go to bed at like 9:30 and sleep until 7:15!!

Day 47 (6 weeks, 5 days)
Been feeling "blah" for a couple of days. Not exactly nauseated, but that sort of uneasy feeling in my tummy that potentially signifies future nausea. Food, in general, seems unappealing to me. Nevertheless, I have gained 2 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. I am feeling nervous today because I was in my 6th week when my last baby stopped developing. Six to go until I feel "safe" enough to share the news.

Day 49 (7 weeks)
Blueberry
Today was the first day I needed to munch some ginger because I felt a wave of nausea plaguing me. I bought a jar of sushi ginger. It's great. Like a magic pill. Made a mental note to buy Cheerios to place next to my bed, as it has worked before. Just a handful!

Day 52 (7 weeks, 3 days)
I decided to figure out when my trimesters would be. I know, I know. But I went to this online calculator and found out that I'll be at my second trimester on August 22 and my third on December 4, but this is according to baby's development. If calculating by gestation, it shifts to the right. If calculating by conception date, it goes to the right even more (by like, a LOT for the second trimester - September 10, December 7). This website also calculates the due date. For a single baby, it would be March 5 or 6. For twins, it is February 12. For triplets, it is January 15. For quads, it is January 8. That just goes to show you that the more babies you have, the tighter it gets in there in a hurry. So those babies might show up earlier than you might think! If there's more than one, that is.

Day 54 (7 weeks, 5 days)
Went in for my "OB Intake" which included a dating scan to determine correct estimated due date (EDD). Baby measured 7 weeks, 6 days so they didn't change my due date (they would do so if it were 5+ days off). Although the doctor could not hear the baby's heartbeat, she was able to observe it on the screen and said it was normal. She only showed me the screen when she had it frozen to print a picture, so I didn't get to see it. After last time, I feel relieved to know the little heart is beating. But, I would have felt much better if I had heard/seen it myself.

Blueberry, 7w6d

So we call it "Blueberry" because that is about the size. The little white bean-shaped thing inside the black oval in the bottom right is Blueberry.

Day 59 (8 weeks, 3 days)
Raspberry
I have to put on my "fancy" uniform on Friday. I'm a little worried about it because I've noticed my clothes fit more snugly right now. Those fancy uniforms are rather unforgiving. I will be able to continue to wear my "pajamas" (the ACU) easily for another couple of months before I feel the need to move into a maternity uniform. However, I won't have that luxury in my fancies (the ASU). Even though Blueberry is about...raspberry-sized (edging into grape territory), my uterus is the size of a grapefruit, and I'm a bit "bloaty." It might be time to place an order. This is distressing for me because I never had to purchase a maternity uniform when pregnant with my other two. We pretty much always wore the pajamas, and they loan you maternity pajamas without a problem. They do not, however, loan maternity fancies. And most military clothing sales stores (MCSS) do not have them on-hand. Something tells me it's not going to be like Amazon Prime. It might take a while. Best to not wait.

9 Weeks
Grape
My guts are getting pushed up by my uterus, but the good news is, I don't have to pee as much because things are starting to grow up more, and not push down as much. Of course, as Blueberry gets bigger (already grape-sized now), and heavier, that pushing down will happen again. I'll be rushing off to pee a lot more once again. But for now, I'll take a break from that and just try to ignore my "beer gut." Things really do happen a lot faster when you've done it before.

10 Weeks
Date
I decided to stop doing the days because it's getting ridiculous now. Supposedly, 10 weeks is the peak of morning sickness. At least, according to online resources I keep getting. But I'm not getting sick. Like, at all. I almost did today when I got a little overheated on the Metro in my fancy uniform, en route to a convention where I had to present a poster. But, I didn't barf. I'm a little nervous because, after the miscarriage, I am worried about the wellbeing of Blueberry (who is grape-size now). I should relax and enjoy the fact that I'm just having food aversions and losing weight (about 4 pounds so far). I never got super sick before, but I definitely tossed it at least a few times. I'll just do my best to chill. I have an appointment on Tuesday. I need that heartbeat.

10 Weeks, 4 Days
Had my first midwife appointment today. She was great, and let me own my crazy by doing the whole appointment in reverse order. She started with the ultrasound. Turns out, my uterus is tilted WAY back, which meant that she had to use the vaginal probe for the ultrasound. Blueberry's heart rate was 174 bpm, which is outstanding. She took an image, but it's a teeny baby (who actually looks like a baby now, even if so small) with a mega huge EKG printout. So, not worth posting. I do feel much better about things. I never cramped or anything before the miscarriage; all I had was that "feeling" that something was wrong. The good news, no cramping. The better news, nothing is wrong.

10 Weeks, 5 Days
Fig (by the end of the week)
Today was my due date for my angel baby. I am pretty sure I would not be able to get through today, if not for the fact that I am carrying another. I still find it hard to think about, but I'm so glad that we didn't give up. We wanted another kid, and just because it didn't work out before, doesn't mean we should call it quits. I'm feeling rather peaceful today.

12 Weeks
Plum
It has finally come. I ordered my "fancy" uniform, the ASU, which was much too large (at least the tunic was), but the pants have been altered and I picked them up today. But that's not what I'm talking about. The 12th week milestone has finally come. I feel really good about that. Still feeling food averse, but getting a little better. The worst part now is the bloating. It's not just a feeling of being fat. I mean, my stomach is poking out up top, well above where my uterus is, because all my guts are up in there I think. I tend to feel less nauseated when I poke it out big time. Which, of course, makes me look goofy because c'mon - I'm 12 weeks, not 22 weeks! Nevertheless, the maternity uniform couldn't come at a better time. I will start my clinical training at a site where I need to wear my "fancies" all the time. They are SO not forgiving, like the ACU. I'll still be able to wear my ACUs for another several weeks, I think. Most people know the news now. I waited until after my midwife appointment to share with several of them, just because I wanted the confirmation that everything was okay first.

12 Weeks, 3 Days
So, because I am "old" and will be 35 before this baby gets here, I had to have chromosomal screening for trisomy 13, 18, and 21 (the three most common chromosomal abnormalities). I got the results today and was surprised to learn (though, in hindsight, I really shouldn't be because it's a chromosomal determination as well) that they can also tell the baby's sex from this blood test. Now, I was originally pretty adamant about not wanting to find out, but Hubs was really wanting to know. In thinking about it further, I was just happy to know we had a healthy baby on the way and didn't really care about the sex, so I thought maybe this is no reason to deny him. Only, I had opted out of the gender screen at the time I did this blood test two weeks ago. When I got the email from my provider, I was kind of surprised to learn that she had the gender information. Turns out, she had pressed the wrong button when ordering labs and got the whole shebang after all. So.... I decided to have her call me with the news. Now, Hubs had been pretty certain it was a girl. He was two-for-two so far in predicting, and so far we'd both been on the same page. This time, I was getting NO girl "feelings" at all, and only vague sort of impressions of boyness. So, I guess I really wasn't too sure. My children both were certain it was going to be a boy, even though my daughter wants a sister. Turns out, the streak is broken. Daddy was wrong, and the kids were right. We're having a little dude! Oh, and we're low risk for any abnormality. The risk goes up as we age, but I've only got a 1/192 shot, according to this website anyway. If it were positive, it would not mean there was definitely some abnormality (because these tests get a 5% false-positive hit rate). It would signify that further testing should be done (the more invasive kind, probably). Regardless, the blood test looked good.

12 Weeks, 5 Days
Disaster! Not with my baby....with my firstborn! Can one imagine finding out her child has suffered a skull fracture without experiencing cold sweats, chills, heart palpitations, and other danger signs? She is going to be fine. Read my other post about it for details. That is more than enough excitement for our family!

13 Weeks
Kiwi
There is some debate as to whether this is the beginning of the second trimester, or if it is next week. I'm going to go with next week just because there seems to be a general consensus in the medical community that Week 14 is the beginning of the second trimester. I'm just excited that, before the end of next week, Blueberry will clear one ounce in body weight, which will make me feel slightly less guilty about my own fluctuations.

13 Weeks, 1 Day
Revealed the gender to my family today. And the name! All were pleased. In a surprising turn of events, daughter switched her guess to girl and was a bit upset that she was wrong. However, all's well. At the end of the day, she was happy. Her nighttime routine includes kissing and tickling my belly, saying, "Tickle, tickle, Baby!" Now, she has replaced "Baby" with his name, and the cuteness is swoon-worthy.

13 Weeks, 4 Days (Day 95)
In a slight panic because I realize that I will be publishing this post soon. Have I forgotten to tell anyone? I'm worried that I may publish this too soon. Maybe I should extend it to 120 days. Or maybe I'm being paranoid because my next appointment isn't for another three weeks. I'm finding myself in the place where I wish I were farther along and simultaneously wish I could hold onto these moments forever. We know which of the wishes will win out in the end... and I will blink and suddenly be a mom again. Time, she flies.

14 Weeks (Day 98)
Peach
Welcome to the second trimester! I thought (and it may have been my imagination, but I've felt this before, and)....I really, really thought I felt a teeny "bump" going on inside today. It was about the right time of day to feel movement. After I ate, had been moving around, and had just settled down on the couch for a moment's rest. When... "Bump!" It was only once. And little Blueberry (who is now the size of a peach from crown to rump) is still a little too small for me to feel consistently yet. However.... I'm pretty sure I felt one little bump from the inside. In two days this blog goes live. I'm both excited and nervous. Either way, Let's do this!

14 Weeks, 2 Days (Day 100)
The first one hundred days of pregnancy are done. So I guess that means, like, 180 days to go or something. If I did the math correctly, that is (40 weeks x 7 days each). By the end of this week, Blueberry will be the size of a pear, weigh in at 2.47 ounces, and measure 3.98 inches from crown to rump. He's going to start growing faster and faster, gaining about an ounce or more a week. By week 20 (halfway), he'll be 10-and-a-half ounces, and be about the size of a mango. I feel pretty good. Still having mild food aversions, but really no nausea. I am resting a little better at night, and feeling not so terribly exhausted. Starting to move into the fun part of pregnancy. I hope to feel (more) movement soon! And I hope to post more soon!